Turned to Dust
by ItsOverWhenItsOver
Summary: Freddie Weasley II is 17, and for the last year he's been fighting a vicious cancer. On Christmas Eve and urgent owl calls him into St Mungo's, where he is given the final prognosis: five months. But Freddie is strong, and not quite done living yet...
1. Prologue

**(Like all my stories, this one presumes some basic knowledge of the next-gen Weasleys. While it should still be reasonably obvious who's who, and how everything works, if you want to have a look at a next gen family tree for clarity, you should be able to find one on Google images, and I'm working on writing one out to go onto the bottom of my profile, so soon enough there should be one on there)**

**(Sorry, just quickly editing out this so that the prologue is separate to chapter 1. Nothing new has been added, but I'm working on the next full chapter now, so it should be a few days, and then I'll have that done)**

* * *

><p><strong>Turned to Dust<strong>

**Prologue**

I grin as I walk down the station, glancing up at Dad and trying not to show just how excited I am.

"Big Day," He grins back, "All ready, Fred?"

"Yeah Dad, it's all good." I mutter quickly, searching past the crowds of people for the barrier. "Are we nearly there?"

"Yeah, here it is. Platform eight and three quarters, just like I always told you."

"Ok." I stop just in front of the brick wall, slightly nervous for the first time. "Should we wait for Mum?"

He smiles, "Nah, she'll be alright. She's probably stuck there trying to figure out Muggle money."

I nod and turn to face the barrier, glancing at Roxy, who's smirking slightly. I glance back up at Dad for confirmation and frown for a second, doubt flickering in my eyes as I see the rather evil grin he's wearing. A split second later his expression dissipates into an encouraging, if slightly too innocent smile. I turn away and shake my head, before gripping my trolley tightly and taking a run at the brick wall separating platforms eight and nine.

I hear Dad begin to guffaw, and I look up just in time for me to smash into the barrier at full speed. Next to him, Roxy is beside herself with laughter. I bet this was her idea too.

I see Mum heading over towards us from the kiosk, and smile at Dad as he turns, sees her, and runs for it, Mum chasing after him.

I stare down at the ground for a few seconds after they've all left, sitting up and quickly wiping my eyes. Of course Dad means well, and I suppose if he had done it to Roxy or James or anyone else, I would have found it hilarious.

My jeans are all grubby, and I try to dust them off, sighing and looking around at my now battered schoolbooks that line the floor and had looked so perfect lined up in my trunk a few minutes ago.

There's a small giggle from somewhere behind me, and I turn to see two girls around my age pointing at me and laughing.

I look back down again, scowling slightly, still hurt from the fact that Dad would actually do something like that to me. I bed James' Dad would never prank him.

The taller blonde one heads over to me and smiles sympathetically, unable to keep the laughter from her voice. "I take it this is your first year too?"

She offers me her hand and I take it, letting her pull me to my feet, and then help me collect up everything that fell out of my trunk. The other, darker skinned girl beds over to help out as well, lushing as our eyes meet.

"ALLE!" I jump as a deep, harsh voice bellows out across the station. "Alle Shadow get back here now!"

A tall balding man with a large beer belly strides towards us and grabs the blonde girl's arm rather forcefully. She mouths an apology to us as she's dragged away, and I notice her flinching away from the man slightly as he takes her back to a thin, sour looking witch who I can only presume is her mother. A miserable Alle shoots a pleading look at us before following her family towards the real entrance to the platform.

I turn back and grin at the shy girl, who smiles back, blushing and looking downwards, avoiding my eyes.

"Hey, I'm Freddie," I smile, holding out my hand to her. "Freddie Weasley."

She takes my hand, "Lonnie Thomas."

There's a pause as she looks around nervously. "I'm sorry, I think I have to go," She whispers. "My Dad will be waiting."

"Yeah, it's ok. I need to make sure mine's still alive." I laugh, knowing she must have seen Mum's expression as she chased after Dad.

Lonnie giggles, some of her shyness seeming to disappear, "I'll… see you on the train then, maybe?"

"Yeah," I grin, "See you on the train."

When I reach my family again they've already met up with the Potters, and Dad is sporting quite a large bruise on his arm, while Mum smiles sweetly beside him.

I make a point of glaring at Dad as I pass him, turning away and trying not to smile.

We stand still, looking at the barrier for a few seconds. I grin at Albus, and then look around at everyone, raising my eyebrows.

"Well, I'm not going first."


	2. Chapter 1

**Turned to Dust**

**Chapter one**

_**Seven years later**_

**December 24-Christmas eve-Home**

I've learnt two things today:

1. Life isn't fair. It's something they tell you a lot when you're little. When you don't get the new broom you wanted for Christmas, or when your little sister gets to watch what she wants on TV instead of you. But not many people ever actually understand what it means. Lucky for them.

2. My cancer, which for a whole fucking year I've been fighting and trying to hide from my cousins, has progressed. It's terminal. So many stupid fucking hours of throwing up because of those muggle treatments, crying by myself gone to waste. What's even the point anymore? I have five months. What can you do in five months? Someone trying to inspire me might say a lot, but it's not true. You can't do anything. I'll have barely enough time to breathe before that's it. The end.

I don't want to die! Who does? I'm scared, terrified even. What happened to Gryffindor bravery? Why can't I stand up and say I'll fight? Why am I cowering away in a bathroom hiding from the world, trying to pretend I can't hear Dad crying in his bedroom? I'm Freddie Weasley, I'm supposed to be the one that helps Dad through everything, the one who comforts him whenever he accidentally catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, and cracks jokes and pretends to be somebody that I'm not just to make him feel okay. But if I'm not going to be here anymore…

I can't see Dad coping. I can't see Dad ever managing to get out of bed in the morning again. He won't even be able to open his eyes without feeling the constant moaning ache of knowing that you're never going to turn around and see their face again. I know the feeling so well.

I'll have to tell everyone else as well. I can't just lie any more, now that it's inevitable. How can I do that to them? What are they going to say, what are they going to do? Lucy's so young, I can't ruin her life like that. And James, everyone knows how protective he is over his family. He's going to go mad, he'll be so angry, heaven knows what he'll do. I can see everyone else's faces as well: Lily, Hugo, Dom, Molly, Albus, and all the rest. I'm so selfish, how can I fucking do this to them?!

And what about Mum? She's home from her day out now. She missed my appointment today. She had gone out before we got the owl requesting us. I owled her to tell her we went, and now I can hear her searching through the house for us, calling out Dad's name, and then mine. I can feel her panic building when she walks into her and Dad's room to find Dad clutching the pamphlets, tears streaking down his cheeks. She's trying to deny it, and pretend it's not real, looking for another explanation even though she knows there isn't one.

"Freddie!" She yells, and I can hear her banging on doors, tears in her voice. "Freddie!"

I don't say anything. What can I say?

"F-Freddie!" She pounds on the bathroom door hard, realising where I am and hammering it with her fists, in near hysterics.

I lower my head, leaning my cheek against the cold, hard edge of the bath and trying to cling on to the certainty, the reality of it. I shake my head. This isn't real. It's just a dream. In a minute I'll wake up and it'll be a year ago and none of this will have ever happened and I'll be able to talk to Dad without having to see the constant fear in his eyes.

"A-Alohamora." My eyes are shut but I can hear the door swing open slowly, feel Mum drop to the floor beside me and take me up in her arms. "F-" She gasps, as if she can't even say my name any more, "It's… Isn't it?"

I can't do anything but shake my head, leaning into her chest and feeling her arms around me so tightly it hurts.

"No." My voice is all wrong, the words coming in deep, shuddering gasps as I stare off into emptiness, unblinking and trying to bite down the incessant terror. "G-Go to Dad. He needs you more."

She shakes her head, clutching me tighter. "No, Freddie, I'm going to tell you exactly what I'm- we're going to do." She's struggling, trying so hard to stay calm and not panic or do anything to upset me. "I-I'm going to- We're going to-" She shakes her head and clutches me in desperation, her nails digging into my arms.

"Please listen," I beg, and my voice is croaky and weak. "Please. I don't want you to have to see me like this. I want you to remember me ha-"

"No!" She half yells, "No. No. No. We're going to find a way. I don't care how. Muggle treatments, foreign treatments, something. You can't just give up."

I shake my head slowly, "No, Mum. I'm tired. I don't want any more stupid treatments, I don't want you to have to cry for me, I want…" I shake my head, "No, Mum."

Her face has fallen into a flat line, not showing any emotions whatsoever any more. It scares me, she almost looks inhumane.

"Please," I beg, "Go to Dad."

* * *

><p>"SO HERE IT IS, MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY'S HAVING FUN! LOOK TO THE-"<p>

Roxy bursts through the door, clutching several shopping bags, a large grin on her face which immediately disappears as she sees me. She rushes forwards, dropping her bags and sitting down by my side, putting an arm around me and hugging me tightly.

"Freddie?" She asks.

I don't reply, simply staring downwards and trying to hold back my tears.

"Merlin, Freddie what's-?" She pauses and breathes out, looking downwards. "You've been fighting again haven't you? You need to stop this. He's your Dad, and he's worried about you, we all are. But it's Christmas, can't you just try and get along for once? If not for your sake then for his, please-"

I shake my head sadly, "No, it's not that," I swallowed, "It's worse, it's-"

I can't tell her. How can I? She's my baby sister, she'll be so hurt. I have to protect her, lie, tell her I'm fine… But no. Stupid clever Ravenclaw sister. And I'm a bad liar anyways. It won't work, I can't-

"This morning we were called into St. Mungo's, they said it was urgent, and Dad took me, and we got there, and- and-"

I brush the tears from my eyes, muttering the words quickly, getting it over with as fast as I can, trying hard to stop my voice from shaking.

"F-Five months, Roxy."

Her face falls, her eyes going wide. "P-please," She stammers, her whole body shaking as she clings to my arm, a few tears spilling over, "Please God tell me you don't mean-"

I shake my head, putting my arms around her and trying to stop her from shaking so much.

"I'm so sorry, Rox."

* * *

><p><strong>December 25th-Christmas day-The Burrow<strong>

No-one says anything when me and Roxy turn up at the Burrow alone. We just tell them that Dad is having one of his 'bad days', and they smile and nod sympathetically, with Ginny promising that she'll pop over later to see him and give him whatever Christmas Pudding is left after James has had his annual five servings.

Only Harry looks suspicious, noticing how pale and drawn me and Roxy both look, our eyes red from crying and our skin pale from lack of sleep. The others are too busy laughing and swapping presents. He glances sideways at me, trying to be discreet about spying. It's his job, I suppose, as an Auror, to notice things. He's good at it too. We eat dinner and I can see him watching my plate, and quietly calculating as I discreetly pass all of my food down to his dog, Snuffles. Roxy isn't eating either, but at least she's attempting to make near normal conversation with Rose and Lily.

"Oi Freddo! Pass the gravy." I'm jolted out of my thoughts by James, who reaches out his long, gangly arms to reach for the Gravy, which is sat in front of me.

I don't move for a second, staring at the gravy and trying to make sense of the words.

"Dude? Freddie? You ok?" Hugo pipes up from my right, everyone staring at me, and I can feel Roxy holding her breath.

I shake my head, coming back to my senses, "What? Yeah, I'm fine, I just-" I reach out to pass James the gravy, still half in my own world. "I need- I mean-" I stand up, looking around, "I'm just going for some air."

I head over for the door, opening it and walking out, hearing someone behind me (probably James) say, "He'll be alright, probably just PMS." And then a loud wince as someone else kicks him under the table.

I walk a little way, and then flop down on the snow, ready to throw up the half slice of turkey that was the only thing I managed to force myself to eat.

It doesn't make sense. How can this be happening? I can't… die. Everything'll be fine, Dad or Mum or Harry will find some miracle cure that I haven't tried yet, and someday we'll be able to look back at this and laugh. Or maybe the doctors were wrong, maybe they misread something. Maybe I'm not terminal after all. Something has to be wrong because this _can't_ happen to me. I _can't_ be-

No. I remember at St. Mungo's yesterday, he kept going on about stages or something, like five stages, Denial, anger, something, something, acceptance. I remember denial at least, and stop my thoughts in their tracks. I'm not going to fall into some category; I can't just let my emotions take over.

I close my eyes and shake my head. _Alright, Freddie… terminal. It's just a word, nothing to be afraid of. This isn't a dream, this is reality, and it's horrible… But it's real, and you're going to die, and it's just something you're going to have to learn to accept._

I breathe out slowly, and then jump as someone clamps a hand down on my shoulder.

"H-Harry, wha- Hi."

I swallow and smile at him, trying to look convincingly happy.

He sits beside me and looks out over the garden.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" He asks, peering at me seriously over the top of his glasses.

My eyes tear up slightly and I shake my head, biting back the tears because I am not going to cry. Not ever. I haven't cried since I was eleven years old. I'm Freddie the Gryffindor and I do _not_ cry.

"Freddie?" He asks again, concern in the edge of his voice.

He knows about the cancer. All of the Adults do. I've told them not to let anyone else know because I can't bear the idea of more people than necessary having to suffer because of me. Ignorance is bliss.

Harry sighs. He must have realised that I'm not going to speak to him. He looks at me sideways and then up at the sky. "It's beautiful here, isn't it?" He asks quietly.

I shrug, tearing up because it is beautiful. It's so, so beautiful and I don't want it to end.

"Freddie, you need to tell me what's wrong, because I can help you. I don't know what it is, but if you're scared to talk about it then you know I'm not going to tell anybody, I just want to help you."

"No. You can't help me. It doesn't work like that…" I screw my eyes tightly shut, trying to numb my mind against what I know's going to happen happen once he knows. "I'm terminal, Harry."

Out of the corner of my eye I see Harry deflate, placing his head in his hands and staying still for a few seconds.

"Okay." He mutters, nodding slowly and looking up at me, "Okay. George is…?"

"Not doing so well." I finish for him, "He's… I haven't seen him since yesterday. He hasn't left his room. I think Mum's trying to help him, but…" I shrug, Harry must get the picture.

He nods slowly, looking down and then back up at me. He's calculating, trying to figure out what he can say or ask.

"What about you?" He looks into my eyes, "Are you… okay?"

I sigh and laugh weakly, "Harry, I don't think terminal illness is synonymous with being 'okay'."

"Freddie…"

I can feel him getting ready to give me some kind of speech, to try and motivate me like he has done so many times over the past year.

"Listen, some people live more in eighteen years than others do in eighty. It's not about how long-"

"Oh shut it, Harry!" I burst suddenly, jumping to my feet and for the first time letting my rage and terror overflow, "I don't need another of your bullshit motivation speeches! I'm not on some bloody Horcrux quest, I'm out to kill some dark wizard, you don't 'understand', not this time. You can't always help everybody, whether you're the bloody boy who lived or not! I just want you to leave me alone!" The last word comes out as a strangled sob, and I wipe my eyes viciously, trying hard to keep on glaring at him.

He opens his mouth to scold me, and then shuts it again, dropping his head

I stand still, shaking with rage. I like to think it's rage. Really, I know its fear. Plain, bleak, empty terror that I know will never go away no matter what I do.

"I'm going back inside." I mutter, lowering my voice glancing over towards the house. "Merry Christmas, Harry."

I leave him sat by himself and wrench the door open, to be met by James, Lily, Molly, and Albus, who fall through the door, almost landing on top of me, clearly having been eavesdropping. From their expressions I know they've heard what I shouted at Harry. James looks practically in awe.

"You need to tell me what you did to him," James laughs, grinning, wide eyed, "No-one talks like that to my Dad."

I shake my head and push past them. "Piss off, James.

* * *

><p>It's a miserable Christmas.<p>

Roxy, me, Lily, James, Lucy, Molly, Hugo, Rose and Albus are gathered in the front room, squashed onto the old sofa watching Muggle singers on TV. Vic, Dom and Louis are in France with their parents, and Harry has gathered everyone else, the adults, into the kitchen for a 'talk'.

Lucy, next to me, takes my hand, giving it a quick squeeze. At least someone is trying to be sensitive.

To his credit James is my best friend, and he's trying to deal with everything the best way he can; by cracking jokes and stuffing his face with chocolate.

Actually it's kind of disgusting. The way he's just stuffing his face with more and more chocolate before he barely even has time to swallow. It would be gross even without me already being nauseous. I can't help but stare, engrossed, until-

"I'm going to throw up."

I leap to my feet and dash towards the bathroom, where I vomit noisily down the toilet. Looking up, I see everyone gathered in the doorway, staring, concerned at my pale, shaking figure.

I raise a shaking hand and, with more effort than I can bear to find, push myself to my feet.

"Sorry. I think I must have caught the flu." I lie easily, leaning against the sink to steady myself. "C'mon, let's just go and enjoy Christmas. I'm alright."

We head back through into the living room, with Lucy clutching at my hand the whole time.

She might be the youngest, but she's easily the most perceptive of everyone. She knows that there's something wrong.

We sit back down on the sofa, and I try to smile and laugh with the rest of them, ignoring the worried glances they being shot at me every few seconds.

The door to the kitchen opens and Harry sticks his head out. "Freddie?" He asks, "Would you mind?" He gestures behind him into the kitchen, and I stand, smiling reassuringly at Lucy as I go.

I sit on a stool in the corner of the kitchen, avoiding everyone's eyes as I walk in. After a few seconds I try a glance upwards, but my eyes meet Gran's, and this horrible empty pit opens up in my stomach.

Tears stream down her face, and she's clutching a tissue over her mouth to quell her sobs. She's shaking, her mouth keeps mouthing silently, but I can't tell what it is that she's trying to say. Granddad holds onto her shoulders, nodding once at me and then looking away towards the floor.

"Alright," Harry says, after far, far too many seconds of silence. "Some decisions are going to have to be made, and we don't believe that George and Angelina are in a position to be able to rationally make those decisions yet."

I nod, not looking at any of them properly. I feel sick again, but it's a different kind of sick this time. Not vomit sick; 'curl up into a ball and die because it's not ok and nothing will ever be ok' sick.

Unable to help it, I shiver slightly, despite it being so warm inside the burrow.

Audrey crosses the room slowly, draping an arm around my shoulders. I've never been exactly fond of Percy's wife before, and now I simply shove her away, not bothering to keep the loathing out of my eyes.

She looks a little embarrassed as she walks back over to Percy, who puts an arm around her, watching me expressionlessly.

What's Harry waiting for? Why doesn't he just speak already? I can't stand the silence; it's like knives cutting into my skin.

I look over at Harry, trying to hide the fact that my lip keeps trembling. I'm shivering all over now, and I don't understand why he's not speaking. He's stood still, lips pressed together, a little way away from Ginny, who's watching me with the same expression Percy wore before, of complete expressionlessness.

"Y-You'll look after him won't you?" I ask shakily, if only for need of a way to break the silence, "Dad, I mean."

I glance at each of their faces, for the first time noticing Hermione, who's clinging around Ron's neck, her eyes already red and swollen.

"'Course," Ron mutters grimly, "We'll make sure he's fine, I swear."

"Look, Freddie," Ginny begins, "We just need to talk over some stuff. It's not… pleasant, but what we want is to ensure that mentally and physically you're alright."

"Physically alright?" I repeat, trying to keep the hint of a laugh in my voice, "Ginny, you know what terminal means, right?" I force a broken and trembling half smile onto my face before giving up and dropping my head into my hands, sobbing mercilessly, right in front of everyone. Normally I'd be ashamed, but I'm just too numb to care at the moment.

Someone rests their hand on my back, and at first I flinch away, then, giving up, lean into them, feeling arms wrap around me and hug me tenderly. I have a small internal fight, trying to force myself to pull away and wipe off my tears so that no-one has to see this.

It doesn't work.

I'm left clinging helplessly to- I'm pretty sure that it's Ginny, by the pale, perfumed scent, but my eyes are screwed shut so tightly I'd never know for sure.

I can feel her looking up, and I know she's exchanging a look with Harry; I've seen them do it before. She gently strokes the back of my head, and I wince slightly, gulping and detaching my arms from around her, wiping my face, staying still for a few seconds with my eyes closed, attempting to regain some kind of control.

Ginny leaves her arm around me. She looks worried, but at least she's not crying like Hermione or Audrey.

"Fred," Harry sighs, walking forwards and crouching down in front of me so that he can look me in the eye. "We-"

I'm saved by the loud ringing sound that announces there's someone at the door. Harry looks up.

"Neville," He mutters, looking over in the direction of the others. "Why don't all of you go off and see them. Me and Ginny'll take Freddie upstairs and talk to him. I think-" He glances at me and nods, "I don't think he's ready for everyone to know just yet so can we try…" He mimes wiping his eyes. "Hermione? You alright?"

She nods, and Ron uses his sleeve to gently dab at her eyes, looking slightly dumbstruck and trying his hardest not to stare at me.

I hear Hermione exhale slowly, and she uses the back of her hand to brush the remaining tears from her cheeks, forcing a rather convincing smile.

Percy heads over towards the door as Ginny guides me towards the stairs. Before we can begin to ascend, I turn around.

"Wait." I say, "Te-Tell everyone I had another fight with Dad," I gesture towards the room where my cousins are sit, still unknowingly watching Muggle TV, "They'll believe that, they know what things are like."

Ron nods, but Harry's eyes go hard, "_Another_ fight? What things are like?" He shakes his head, "Freddie, why do we not know about any of this?"

I shrug and look down, walking up the stairs and onto the landing, where Harry guides me into Dad and Uncle Fred's old bedroom.

I sit down on one of the beds, with Ginny beside me and Harry on the bed opposite, both of them watching as I sit, head in my hands.

"Freddie," Harry asks quietly, "Can you look at me?"

I glance up quickly and then straight back down. I've begun to tremble again, and Ginny puts her hand on my shoulder.

"No, look at me properly. Please."

I look up and this time hold his gaze, my teeth beginning to chatter.

"Freddie," He reaches over and takes one of my hands, searching my eyes, "I know you're scared, and I know you don't want to talk to any of us right now, but we're here. Any time you need us, we're here."

A few tears spill over, dribbling down my cheeks and dropping down onto the bedsheets where my namesake once slept.

Harry leans forwards, pausing for a few seconds before asking the question I know has been burning in his mind for the last hour. "How long?"

I've been expecting this, and I manage not to break down. I rummage through my brain, trying to find the number, but something's changed. It's not like yesterday. It's like I've tried to bury it from myself. I think back to St. Mungo's, with Dad, and I can see the healer, see his lips moving, but I can't hear anything, all I can hear is Dad's moan of anguish-

"F-five." I choke, "F-five months."

I'm practically hyperventilating now, my breath coming in deep, gasping shudders.

"I-I'm sorry, I don't mean to- I mean… I'm sorry." I whisper.

I curl up into Ginny's arms once more, listening to their quiet discussion, well aware that I'm in no state to be able to listen in.

A few minutes pass, and Ginny sits me up, indicating that it's time to talk.

"Alright Freddie," Harry says, a new sense of purpose in his voice, "You need to be brave now. I know it's difficult, but you need to be brave. You can do it."

Ginny nods, "Yeah, it's alright." She glances at Harry and they share a look. A few seconds pass as she wipes a tear from my face. "Do you want to go back to school?" She finally asks, "Of course you aren't expected-"

"Yes." I cut her off before she can even finish her sentence, "I'm going back. You can't stop me from going back."

Harry smiles gently, "We're not going to force you to do anything. You're old enough to make your own decisions."

"But what we do need is for you to make sure you spend enough time with George and Angelina." Ginny adds, glancing from me to Harry. "This is harder on them than anyone, especially for George, and we need to make sure that they're ok too."

Harry frowns, and leans forwards once again, "Now you need to tell us about these fights, Freddie. What's going on? You need to tell us so that we can sort it out, because you two fighting isn't right, especially now."

I frown, and shake my head. "You're wrong, it doesn't matter anymore." I whisper, my chest tightening. "Dad's happy now anyway. It's all he's ever wanted isn't it; for me to be more like Uncle Fred."

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, Hello. Second story. Don't think I've forgotten about Beloved, It'll always be my Baby! :D<strong>

**Anyway, this is something that's happening in an RP I'm part of, where I'm Freddie. And I thought it just needed writing out and sharing with the world. I've changed a lot of things, so not much apart from my original Cancer plot is left. So I can take credit for the ideas in here and stuff (Yeah, yeah, JK rules all and the characters and stuff belong to her and her legendaryness. I would think that was obvious)  
>Anyway, I'm completely unhappy with what I've written, I think it all seems too rushed, and I'm not sure about the tense or person. So depending on whatever feedback I get, I can either carry it on as it is, or go back and rewrite this whole chapter accordingly.<br>One Million hugs and kisses to reviewers or story favouriters, and to anyone who actually even reads this. I love you all 3  
>Hannah :)<br>(P.S. For anyone who's read my other story and is wondering; I do love George. I'm not just hurting him for fun. No-one cried more than me when Fred the first died. Idk why all my stories end up being horrible to George. They just do *le shrug*)**


	3. Chapter 2

**Turned to Dust**

**Chapter 2**

"Freddie!" Harry gasps, utterly aghast. He leaps to his feet and moves across the gap between the beds to sit on my other side. "Your Father," he speaks slowly, placing a hand on my shoulder, "has his faults, I admit. He's been through a lot, and that's not his fault, but..." He sighs, shaking his head, "You cannot ever think even for a second that this is what he wants."

I look down, hating this. Hating the way Harry's speaking to me. Does he not realise how guilty I felt the moment the words left my mouth? It makes me feel sick what I said. Physically sick, and on Harry's scolding, a few more tears slide down my cheeks. I lean into Ginny, who thankfully isn't speaking.

"I know you're angry and scared," He continues, "But you can't take this out on your Dad, or anyone else for that matter. You're going to have to be brave, however much it hurts. Do you understand?"

I nod, screwing my eyes shut, guilt pooling in my stomach.

"George has been through so much and-"

"I KNOW!" I screech, a sudden burst of anger taking hold of me, "I GET IT! Can't you just leave me alone?"

Harry backs down, looking taken aback, "Okay. I'm sorry."

Ginny rubs my back, looking at me worriedly, "Do you want some time alone?" She asks gently, "Or should we stay?"

I shake my head, and they glance at each other. I'm not exactly making myself don't understand what it is that I want. I think it would probably help if _I_ knew what I want.

There's never been much time before for me to analyse Harry and Ginny's relationship, but when you're with them, you can't help but realise just how much they care about each other. Whenever Harry moves, so does Ginny, and the other way around. They're like… magnets, or opposing forces. Call it what you will, but as Ginny's face drops and she looks more and more like she's going to cry, Harry reaches past me and puts a hand on her shoulder, steadying her and telling her something silently that I'll never know. If I ever did get married -not that there's any chance of that happening now- that's the kind of relationship that I want. The absolute security they can get from each other's presence. What I wouldn't give for that feeling...

It hits me slowly; the realisation. At first it's just a tiny ache in my stomach, and then it gets bigger and bigger until it bursts from my eyes in the form of angry tears.

I'm never going to get married. I'll never be able to have that moment. I haven't thought about her yet, but _what about Lonnie?!_ We've been together four years. I love her. What's she going to do? I can't tell her, how would I ever be able to get the words out? 'Hey Lonnie, I love you and everything, but unfortunately I only have five months to live.' No! Of course I can't do that!

A few more tears trickle down my cheeks and I risk a glance up at Harry. He's waiting patiently for me to speak, looking a lot older than he usually does. Him and Ginny are worried about me, that's obvious enough, and I know they'd stay here with me if I asked, but however much I need them to… I can't. I can't ask them to. It's Christmas Day, they want to be with their kids. They don't need to be here.

"Go." I choke, staring down at the floor and making sure that they can't see my face. "Go. Go and see James and Albus and Lily. Have a nice Christmas, you deserve it." The corners of my lips twitch, "Please. You don't need to see me like this."

Harry nods and stands up, resting his hand on my shoulder for a second before he leaves the room, glancing back at Ginny and closing the door behind him.

Ginny doesn't move for a second, and I can hear her mutter something almost silently. Not knowing what it is that she's trying to say, I sit up, ignoring my own feelings for a second and wrapping my arms around her. She needs it too. Now Harry's gone, she cries properly, and it occurs to me I've never seen Ginny cry before. She was always the strong one.

"Hey. I-it's ok Ginny, I'm here. I'm not… going anywhere."

It's a weak lie, and she shakes her head, wiping her face and looking at me blankly. "I'm sorry Freddie," She says. "I know I'm not making this any better, but you should know its okay to cry sometimes. Sometimes you have to." Her face drops a little, and she looks up at me. "Are you going to be ok? Are you sure you want me to go?"

I nod once, and she stands up. "Should I send up Roxy? I'm sure she won't mind. And Alle's going to be here soon too, James invited her." She seems desperate to find someone to make sure that I'm not by myself, but I'm not going to let her make someone else's Christmas miserable.

"No." I say quietly, "Let them enjoy Christmas, I'm alright."

She stands, watching me as she backs towards the door. Just before she leaves, she turns back and gives me a small smile, "We all love you, you know. You're not alone. Any time you need us, any time at all, we're here for you. Just owl me or Harry, or Ron, Hermione, Percy, maybe not Audrey, but... anyone. We're not going to let you be alone."

"Th-Thanks, Ginny."

She leaves, and now it's just me and the silence.

I look around the room and think about Dad, how many years he spent in here with Uncle Fred. You can still see the burn marks on the roof from their experiments, and all of Uncle Fred's stuff is still in his drawers, no-one's touched them. I wonder if, in twenty years' time, Roxy's kid will sit in my bedroom and look around at all of my posters, wondering what I was like, and what happened to me. Why no-one in our family ever speaks my name or talks about me.

I'd like to think that Roxy, knowing what it's like for us to have a Father that's so broken, would try her best to be open with her kids, not let them live always afraid of saying the wrong thing. Deep down, I can't quite believe it. I saw the look on her face when she found out. And this morning when she looked at me and smiled so brightly, asking if I was okay, even though we both knew that I wasn't. Neither of would ever be again.

Standing up, I move over towards the window, looking out at the snow outside. I can see Errol, the extremely ancient and battered owl that must have been in our family for at least thirty years now. I open the window and call him up. There's something I need to do, and I don't trust myself to do it at all if I wait any longer. Searching in Fred's drawers, I find a quill and some parchment with 'WWW' inscribed messily in the top left-hand corner. I try to numb myself to all of my feelings as I start to write, but even so the ink is left smudged with tearstains. It's barely legible.

I hope that the tears show her that I'm being sincere, and that she does mean something to me. Well, that's what I'd like to think.

It reads:

_Lonnie,_

_Firstly, I love you._

_I've never felt this way about anyone before this, and we've been together for so long that it just kills me, Lo__n__nie, it really does. I've loved you since I first saw you, that day at Kings Cross Station when we were 11, our first day of school. You helped me up, you smiled at me, and then you left and I thought, 'Someday, she's going to be my girlfriend.' It took me three years to actually pluck up the courage to do it. When you said yes, it was the happiest day of my life._

_Secondly, I'm sorry._

_I've tried to think of a thousand different ways to say this, but there's no way I can think of where it can sound right, b__ecause it's not right. It's wrong and I know it with every fibre of my being. But Lonnie, something's ha__p__pened, and it might not make sense to you just yet, but I can't stay with you. I love you too much to hurt you like this. So please, don't question me or ask for explanations, because you won't get them. I know it might not seem like it now, but I do love you, I just don't want to see you getting hurt._

_I'm sorry, I love you._

_Freddie._

I know it's not right, it might not even make any sense, but I can't wait. The longer we're together, the more she gets hurt. I can't put her through that.

I attach the letter to Errol's leg and, watching him fly away out of the window, I think my heart breaks.

Finally free to grieve for myself, I shut the window, walk over to lock the door, and then lie down on Uncle Fred's bed, burying my face in his pillow, letting my tears soak into it as it muffles my cries.

It's about an hour later when I hear the shouting.

"Roxanne Weasley you get out of my way right now. I am going to see Freddie and I'm going to give him a piece of my mind."

There's a quieter voice, and I can hear the pleading tone, but not what's actually being said.

"No! He has _no right_! Absolutely no right to do this! At least he should have had the courtesy to say it to her face! And all the crap about loving her! If he loves her, then why the _hell_ is he doing this?"

It's Alle. Of course it is. She'll have been the first person Lonnie told, and now she's here, and she's going to kill me. Alle is one of my best friends, but get on her bad side, and you're in a hell of a lot of trouble.

It sounds like Roxy's backed down. I hear the stomp of Alle's trademark Doc Martens coming down the hallway, and thank heaven that I locked the door.

"FREDDIE WEASLEY YOU OPEN THE DOOR THIS INSTANT! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU'RE BEING SUCH A SHIT-HEAD, BUT IF YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW THEN I AM GOING TO BLOW IT OPEN. UNDERSTAND?"

Where are Ginny and Harry? Why didn't they stop her? I can guess; Alle on the warpath is more terrifying than any Death Eater Harry deals with in his work.

"FREDERICK ARTHUR WEASLEY YOU OPEN THIS DOOR!"

Did she just use my full name? She just used my full name. I'm in real trouble now.

I let out a half groan into the pillow, still crying too hard to move properly. Alle's yelling again, and I cover up my ears. I don't want to speak to her. I don't want to move ever again.

There's silence for a moment, and it hits me again: the aching numbness of knowing that you're going to die. Everyone I love- I'll never see them again. You know what? If Alle kills me now then it'll be a blessing. I won't have to go through it, telling everyone. Because as much as I want to, it can't be hidden any more. I can't die without anyone noticing, or grieving, or having anyone asking for an explanation.

There's a huge bang. It looks like Alle's now throwing herself at the door, trying to smash it down. I can hear James talking to her.

"Wow, Alle! Shall we not break the doors today?"

Alle laughs sarcastically, throwing herself against the door again.

"Do you know what he's done, James? Do you know what he's gone and done?"

There's a pause.

"He's dumped Lonnie. By owl. On Christmas day."

"What?" I can hear James becoming confused, "But he loves her, he's always loved Lonnie. What's-?"

"That is exactly what I am trying to find out. So can you please back off, because at the moment, I am trying to open this bloody door."

She rams herself against it again.

"Uh, Alle, not to sound too judgemental, but aren't you a witch?"

There's a lengthy silence, and I pull the pillow up over my head, sobbing uncontrollably now. What am I supposed to say to her? I've already hurt Lonnie, and if I tell Alle, then she gets hurt too. And James can never know. He'll be _so_ angry. He'll lash out at everything and everyone. I can't do that to him.

"Alright, James, you've managed to make me look stupid. Now can you leave so that I can deal with Freddie? You don't need to see this."

"Why?" He asks, confused.

"I'm going to murder him, and I'd rather you weren't here to watch."

James laughs a little, but I know he's thinking: Alle didn't see how I was earlier, how sick and pale I looked. I hear him mumble something and then traipse slowly away along the corridor.

I think Alle might have gone too, but now I realise she's actually just building back up her rage.

"Right." She's not yelling any more, but she sounds like she's ready to tear out my throat with her teeth, "I am going to give you one more chance. You open the door right now and explain to me what's going on, or I am going to come in there and kill you with my bare hands."

I don't answer, but I manage to let out a strangled choking noise.

"Freddie?" She asks, "Was that you?"

I roll over so that I'm facing the door and sit up, clutching my knees to my chest. My tears are still falling freely, and I can't do much but stare at the door hazily, trying to make sense of what's happening. The last two days feel like months, and now Alle's at the door, I can hear her whispering the spell, shoving it open, less angrily, but still forcefully. She gasps.

"Freddie?" She asks, stumbling forwards and peering at me, "Are you-? What's-?"

I realise she's never seen me cry before. I've always been the one comforting other people. Gryffindor bravery or something, I suppose. I'm not feeling very brave right now though.

Her moment of hesitation at seeing me leaves almost instantly, and she's back on form, remembering what it is that she came here to do.

"Oh don't you dare act all pathetic now. How dare you do this to her? How _dare_ you!? It's Christmas day for god's sake! What the hell has happened to make you do this? And that crap you wrote about loving her. She's still crying now! And I come in here and Roxy looks like somebody's died and then you're up here crying your eyes out! Nothing makes sense and you are going to tell me what's going on." She stands still, arms folded across her chest and glaring at me.

I don't answer. I just look down and shut my eyes, hugging my knees even tighter and feeling the tears dribble down my cheeks.

"Freddie?" She asks, "What's going on? Are you ok?" She definitely sounds less angry now, and she sits down on the bed, her hand on my shoulder, "Please tell me. I can help."

What's with people thinking they can help me? They have no idea. No idea at all and yet they presume that they can make it all better.

"No, Alle." I say bluntly, trying to ignore the fact that my voice keeps breaking. "Please leave me alone. I'm sorry I've hurt Lonnie, but this is what's bes-"

"WHAT'S BEST? SHE'S SAT THERE AT HOME CRYING HER EYES OUT BECAUSE OF YOU! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

"ALLE I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

Alle jumps to her feel, glaring at me. "DAMN RIGHT I DON'T UNDERSTAND! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?"

Harry appears in the doorway, expressionless. "Alle, I think it's time for you to leave Freddie alone for a bit. Come on, we're just about to have some pudding."

She nods once, glaring at me, and then softening her expression, worried. "Freddie," She says quietly, looking at me intently. "If there was something really wrong you would tell me, right? We're friends, I'll always be here for you, and I know you're going to be here for me. Forever, right?"

She's giving me this pleading look, and I know I have to say something, or she'll be utterly crushed.

Not looking up at Harry, because I know what his expression will say, I smile and whisper, "Forever, Alle."

I don't look back up at either of them, and simply stare back down, screwing my eyes shut again and trying to make the world disappear.

I guess sometimes you have to hurt people to make them happy.

* * *

><p><strong>January third-The first day back at school-Hogwarts<strong>

Before we separate to go to our different houses, Roxy gives my hand one last squeeze and looks at me, desperately needing me to say something.

I don't, and she leaves with Lucy to go towards the Ravenclaw Common room, whilst I run to the bathrooms to throw up the little of the welcome back feast that I actually managed to eat.

When I get up to our dorm, James grins at me, "Alright Freddie-boy? How's life?"

I answer, "Shitty," and sit down on my bed, drawing the curtains and lying back, falling asleep almost instantly.

* * *

><p><strong>January 17<strong>**th****-****The next day****-Gryffindor Seventh year boys dorm**

SPLOSH

The freezing water smacks into my face and I sit up suddenly, gasping for breath and swearing loudly.

"WHAT THE HELL, JAMES? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"

He grins lopsidedly, "Look at the clock."

It's half three. In the afternoon.

"What?" I ask slowly, trying to understand, "Why didn't you wake me?"

He shrugs, "We tried, but you wouldn't wake up. Lysander was all for going to get Madam Pomfrey, but I told him to leave you be."

"But what about my lessons? McGonagall's going to kill me!"

"Nah, we had Transfiguration first anyway, she said it was alright and to let you sleep. I don't know what's happening, Freddie. First Dad, now McGonagall! Have you given them some kind of love potion or something? They're letting you do whatever you like." He sounds almost wistful.

I manage a half-hearted smile, "I guess I'm just a lovable person," I joke, managing to keep my expression reasonably happy looking, "So what happened? Did people miss me?"

"Well…" He looks up, "Lonnie kept staring at your empty seat in potions and mouthing your name, Alle was worried, and Slughorn, McGonagall and Longbottom all said they didn't mind you taking a day of lessons."

_Lonnie._

I can't believe she's so close to me here, and I haven't even thought about her. She's probably sat there in the Slytherin common room right now, wondering what I'm doing. Oh no, I've ruined her life. Well, at least I won't be around to muck it up for much longer.

James frowns, watching my face twist in pain and sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Chocolate Frog?" He asks, holding one out to me hopefully.

I shake my head, and swing my legs out of bed, looking down. "I think I'm going to go for a walk."

* * *

><p>It's midnight. I went on a walk until midnight. Well, I guess if you're using technical language, most of it was a 'sit behind the greenhouses and cry', but yes, midnight.<p>

When I get back to my dorm, everyone's asleep. It doesn't seem like they've noticed my nine hour disappearance.

Heading back down to the common room, I slump down into an armchair by the dying fire. I guess that's one thing I can relate to, huh?

It's quiet, and I close my eyes and nearly drift off to the gently ticking Grandfather Clock in the corner. Then I stop, opening my eyes and looking up, exhausted but determined.

Reaching over to the coffee table, I pick up some parchment and a quill left abandoned, and then I begin to write. It's a simple enough title, but seeing the words down on paper still makes me want to throw up.

_Things I want to do before I die._

'Before I die'. I feel physically sick, and swallow back bile, trying to keep my face emotionless. I number one to five down the side of the page and then look up again.

Where do I start? What am I supposed to put? How do I begin to express everything I've ever wanted to do in my life?

I glance down at my page and find myself grinning as I scribble down something next to number one.

_1. Megan Fox_

Well, at least my sense of humour is intact.

Frowning again, I pick up the paper, scrunch it up into a ball and throw it into the fire, watching as the edges turn black and then burst into flames.

I watch it burn for a second, and then look up around the common room to make sure that no-one's in here before I let myself cry again. I pick up another piece of paper and scribble a new title. This one's much shorter, although there's still no doubt as to what I mean.

_Fred's Bucket List_

I still kills me to look at, but it's not as bad as the first one. And at least this time I can't write anything stupid.

Glancing down at it, I still have no idea what I'm going to put. I mean, I've always taken my future for granted before. It's just been something that's there. I'd go and work in the shop with Dad, find a nice girl, preferably Lonnie, settle down. I'd be quite well off with my earnings from the shop, it makes loads of money. I'd have two kids, a boy and a girl. The boy older, mind, so that he can beat up anyone who tries to hurt my baby.

I've never really thought much about it before, but if that's gone then what do I have?

The cancer's taken everything away from me. My family, my friends, Lonnie. What more is there left to take?

The answer comes almost instantaneously; me. I'm not going to let it take away me. I'm going to be who I am up until the end. No more crying, no more anger. I'm going to spent time with my family, and enjoy my life. I am _not_ going to let it take me.

I number one to ten down the side of the page, and then start the list again.

_1. Play a game of Quidditch in the World Cup stadium._

It's not much, but it's a start. I think for a minute, and then add something else to my list.

_2. Ride a dragon_

These are all stupid, petty things. Nothing of substance. Just dreams that people have when they're small.

Looking back at the list, I frown. This isn't what I want to do with my life. I know what I want to do with my life.

Blinking back tears, I pick up the quill and scribble down everything that's in my head.

The list comes easily now, and I write quickly. It's easy to think of all of the things that you'll never get to do.

_2. Graduate._

_3. Work in Dad's shop_

_4. Fall in love_

_5. Get married_

_6. Threaten Roxy's fiancée_

_7. Start a family_

_8. __ Hold my new-born baby in my ar_

I stop writing half way through the last one. It hurts too much. Ignoring my promises, I watch a tear drip down the end of my nose and fall onto the paper, smudging the ink.

Slowly, painstakingly, I put my pen back to the paper and draw a straight line through each of numbers three to nine. What's the point of having stuff on you bucket list that you're never going to do?

There's a noise, I can hear somebody coming down the stairs. They're going to find me. They're going to see.

I hunch over on the chair, shielding my face and sobbing loudly. I can't help it. Everything hurts. I don't even care who it is anymore. I can hear them walking up to me. They gasp. And then they're picking up the list, looking at it. I can almost feel their confusion.

"Freddie?"

The voice is familiar, but wrong. I don't understand. She can't be here. And her voice is deep, sounding almost like…

It's Ross. Ross Thomas. Lonnie's little brother.

Only a fifth year, but I know he's smart. It won't take him long to figure it out and then… then…

"Freddie?" He asks, couching down in front of my chair, picking up the paper and studying it, "What's happening? What's this? Why have you have crossed out stuff on your Bucket list that you can't have done yet? I don't understand."

I don't look up. Of course he doesn't understand, he hasn't put it together yet. I haven't talked to him very often in the past, but he always seemed nice enough, kind. He didn't try to murder me after I left Lonnie, so I figure that he's either some kind of pacifist or just very compassionate. Would it hurt too much for just one person to know?

"Wh- What's the point of having stuff on your bucket list that you're never going to be able to do?"

"Freddie…" There's a long pause, as he tries to figure me out. Then he gasps again and grabs hold of my shoulder. "No!" He yells loudly, "No! I'm not going to let you! You can't! Lonnie'll take you back, I know she will, you don't have to- you don't have to kill yourself."

I nearly laugh. In fact, I do. A loud, bitter laugh that fills the room and makes Ross back away slightly, looking worried. He thinks I'm mad. If only.

"Ross, why on earth would I kill myself? Why would anyone take their life by choice? Don't you like being alive? For some people it's not that easy. Some people don't get that choice."

Ross stops and stands still, staring at me, his eyes are wide.

"No..." He says slowly, shaking his head, "Tell me I've got this wrong. You can't be-"

I nod and look back down at the floor, putting my head in my hands and breathing out slowly. "I'm sorry, Ross. I'm sorry I had to hurt Lonnie, but I didn't know what else I could do." I plead with him to understand, "I never wanted her to get hurt, she's everything to me. But I can't make her go through this with me. I'm not going to let her suffer. Please Ross, you have to understand."

"Freddie it's alright!" He exclaims, looking around desperately as if searching for someone to tell him how to deal with the situation. "It's ok. I get it, you don't have to be sorry, it's just- Jesus. You have enough to worry about without her as well. It's- I mean-" He stops and runs a hand through his hair, looking like he's in shock. He stares down at the floor awkwardly and mutters, "I'm sorry, Fred."

I nod again, avoiding his eyes. It's horrible. Seeing him so uncomfortable, with no idea what to do. I can't take it.

I wipe up my eyes and stand, still avoiding his face. "I-I think I'm going to go to bed. It's ok Ross. You don't have to be sorry. I'm… alright."

Ross stays where he is by the fire, watching me warily.

"Freddie." He says softly as I reach the bottom of the stairs. "They don't know do they? Your cousins, I mean."

"No." More tears spring up in the corners of my eyes. "How can I tell them now? I've had the cancer for a year, and I hid it. If I tell them now then they'll hate me. They're going to be so hurt." My voice breaks, and I turn around, starting up the stairs and away to my dorm.

"Hey, wait." Its Ross again, he's caught up with me, and now he looks at me with a still wary, but kind expression. "It'll be alright, you know." He says, smiling gently, "I'll help you, if you want. And here-" He holds out a piece of paper to me. "Your list, I-"

"Throw it in the fire. I don't need anyone else finding it."

He nods quickly, and I turn away, walking away and up to my dorm and keeling over onto my bed, fast asleep.

* * *

><p><strong>So, um, I just accidentally closed the tab and deleted everything that was written down here -_-<br>Just give me a minute to go and bang my head against a wall.**

**Right, anyway, re-writing all of my comments on this chapter.**

**Ok, firstly I would like to give each and every one of my reviewers a big hug. It means so much to me that you actually took the time to review my story, and you're all just so nice and I just love you all.  
>Secondly, I need to say thank-you to my dear friend Elisabeth (her fanfic page is u3116792/Lissy1379 Check it out, she's brilliant) Anyway, Elisabeth helped me with this a lot. She helped me edit it and I owe her one. Even if she is bloody picky about grammar. (Does it really mater if I write 'ok' instead of 'okay'? Seriously?)  
>I'm kidding, I love you really :P<br>So yes, anyway I basically owe her a lot and she will be getting Toblerone on Monday :D**

**Onto the actual chapter, I'm not actually entirely sure how I feel about it. I guess I'm happy with it? I wrote it while I was on holiday so it was a case of stealing names from everyone there. There's quite a lot of angst and I know there needs to be more George and Angelina, and that's coming the chapter next :)  
>I have exams all next week though so I probably won't get a chance to update it until at the very earliest next weekend. I hope that's okay with everyone.<strong>

**Ok, so here we go, you can ignore all this if you want. I'm not going to force all my other fics on you (even if there's only one and a half of them)**

**Alright, my first fic is called Beloved, and it's based on Roxy Weasley and Fred Weasley I. It was my first ever fanfic so I admit, the first few chapters are kind of choppy. But once you get past that I think the story is ok. The basic plot is that after Fred died he didn't exactly die, he stayed alive as a kind of ghosty type thing in the back of Roxy's mind. So he's still conscious and he can still think and he sees everything through Roxy's eyes. (I know, it's hard to explain. You get the general idea.) But then Roxy is viciously attacked, and from then on she can hear him. But there are lots of complications and tragedy and everything is going to hell and it's all angsty and tragic. Well, I like it anyway.**

**So yeah, that was the first one. Now the second one isn't published yet; I haven't finished editing the first chapter, but I'm really quite excited about it. It's a crossover fic between Harry Potter and The Hunger Games, in which all of the next gen kids are put into the Hunger Games and pitted against each other. (Yes, my stories are angsty, I know.) It's from the perspective of Victoire, and how she copes with the idea of having to kill off her cousins and etc. etc. lots of Vic and Teddy love if there are any shippers here and so much angst. It'll be published as soon as I manage to get my act together and edit it and then think up a name :)**

**So yeah, those are my other fics, if anybody's interested :)**

**So, erm apart from all that just one million hugs and kissers to reviewers and thank-you for reading. And I would really, really appreciate it if you read one of my other stories too, and I just love you all :)  
>From, Hannah :)<strong>


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Morning doesn't bring any more happiness. Double potions with Professor Slughorn, and James, being completely oblivious to everything that's going on (as usual), spends the entire morning messing around and cracking jokes about girls and Slughorn's glasses. I eventually manage to ditch him at lunchtime, claiming that I have homework and heading to the library while he goes to lunch. I tell him I'm going to eat later, but really, I don't want to. I'll only throw it up again.

Lucy is sat by herself at a table in the corner, and I stroll over, sitting down beside her and giving her a smile. "Hey, Luce," I grin, "S'up?"

Smiling shyly, she gestures down to her textbooks. "Nothing really. Just homework." She says in her quiet, gentle voice. "I swear if we don't get a new defence against the dark arts teacher soon I'm complaining to McGonagall, I've had four different teachers this week, and they've each set a different essay." Rolling her eyes a little, she laughs.

"You want some help?" I ask, peering over at her work, figuring that I might as well help out, seeing as I have no work to do, and she seems like she does need some help.

"Yeah," She smiles, "That'd be great."

I pull one of her many textbooks towards me and study it, "Werewolves? You study that in third year?"

She nods.

"Huh, I thought we didn't start that till fourth." Shaking my head, I shrug, "Maybe not then. Anyway, so what do you have to write about?"

She frowns, "Essay on Werewolf characteristics, essay on the twelve uses of Dragon's blood, essay on Boggarts-"

"Ok, ok," I laugh, "I get it, a lot of essays. Shall we start on Dragon's blood?"

"Sure. So we're supposed to have them memorised but I can never remember them, is there a mnemonic or something?"

"Yeah," I try to recall the poem, "Dementors and werewolves make large-"

I'm interrupted by Lucy pointing over my shoulder worriedly. I turned around to see a very anxious looking Louis hurrying towards me. Bill Weasley's son stops in front of me, expression grim. "Freddie, Roxy's crying. She keeps asking for you, Rose is with her now."

"Damn it." I jump to my feet, looking around the library, as if to find her there somewhere, "Where is she?"

"Gryffindor 6th year girl's dorm," He replies, shoulder length red hair bobbing up and down. "She came to the common room looking for you, and then she just started crying." He shakes his head, "She just kept asking where you were, whether you've 'Gone yet'. It was scary. Is she alright? Is there something up?"

I shake my head, "No, it's fine. Louis will you- Will you go to Madam Pomfrey? Tell her I sent you. Ask if she has anything that can help Roxy."

His brow furrows, and he takes a step backwards, wrinkling his nose. "What's going on?"

"Nothing! Nothing's going on, I swear." I say fervently, heading off towards the library exit, "Look, I have to go and find Rox, but will you please go to Pomfrey? I'm-" I turn to Lucy and smile apologetically, "Sorry Luce, I'll help tomorrow. Promise."

Turning away again, I practically run along the corridors towards Gryffindor tower, tripping through a bunch of first years that swear after me as I carry on running.

The common room is nearly full, and it takes me longer than usual to navigate around the talking, laughing and yawning students towards the stairs up to the dorms.

Roxy looks a mess when I arrive, Rose has an arm around her, Alle is stood watching worriedly from nearby, looking thoughtful, and Laura, Roxy's best friend, is on Roxy's other side, hugging her and murmuring words of comfort.

"F- Freddie?" Roxy gasps upon seeing me, standing up, "Oh Freddie."

She runs over to me, pushing away Rose and Laura and throwing her arms around me. "Freddie," she breaths, and for the first time I get a full view of how she looks. Her hair is greasy and looks like it hasn't been washed in a week. Her face, usually perfectly made up, is pale and covered with tears, and she hugs me tightly, clutching onto me so tightly that I wouldn't be able to get away if I wanted to.

I put my arms around her and murmur words of comfort, nothing too specific, just, "I'm here, don't worry, Roxy." and "I'm not going anywhere, it's ok."

I need to speak to her properly, but of course with anybody else in the room it's impossible.

"Look," I glance up at the others, guiding Roxy over to a bed where I sit down on the edge of it with her next to me, still clinging around my neck forcefully. "Thanks all of you, but I need to talk to my sister. Can we just have a few minutes?"

Rose and Laura nod and exit, but Alle's eyes lock with mine. "Fine, but we're going to have another talk. And this time you're going to tell me the truth."

I nod, avoiding her eyes and wait until they've all left and shut the door behind them to turn to Roxy.

"Oh Roxy," I sigh, hugging her tightly into my chest, "It's alright. What happened?"

She sniffs and tries in vain to wipe away her tears, which are immediately replaced by fresh ones, "I'm sorry, Freddie, I'm so, so sorry. I tried. I really did. I tried to be brave but I couldn't. I'm sorry, I tried Freddie, I promise I-"

"Roxy," I shake my head, "Don't be sorry, it's okay. You're going to be okay. I know you're sad, but I'm here now. I'm going to be here for a long time and I promise that I'm going to take care of you."

This is all wrong. This shouldn't be happening. Why me? Why can't it be somebody else who's dying? Surely there are plenty more deserving people in the world.

I don't have the energy to be really angry at the moment, but I know that I will be. And that when I am, I'm going to have to run and hide from everyone because there is no way that I will be able to deal with it without hurting everyone who tries to come near me. I can't let myself take this out on anybody but me.

"B-but you're not supposed to be the one taking care of me." She whimpers, "I'm supposed to be looking after you. You're the one who's- who's-"

She bursts into more frenzied sobs and buries her head down into my shoulder.

"Roxy, it's-" I begin, but she cuts me off.

"I'm so sorry, because I've tried so hard, and I keep telling myself not to cry, and I thought I was doing so well. But then I came here to look for you and you weren't here, and it just hit me that there's going to be a time when you're n-never going to be h-here." Her voice builds up, getting higher and higher. "And I'll keep on s-searching and s-searching but you'll never ever-"

"Roxy!" I butt in, "No! Don't think like that! You're not allowed to think like that. I-" I stop. There's nothing I can tell her that will ever make any of this right, she knows that, and so do I.

"I'm sorry, Roxy." I murmur, hugging her, "I know it hurts but its ok. I'm… Look Roxy, there's no point denying it, I'm not going to be around for all that long. It's horrible, and it's fucked up, and I know things are going to be bad. But if I'm not going to be here for so long then let's enjoy it Rox.

"Stop crying, smile, look at me. I'm here and you don't have to be upset. Not yet. And you know what? This weekend I'm going to take you shopping. I've been saving up since I was five years old. I guess if I'm not going to need it for University or a Mortgage or something then I might as well blow it all on a pair of new shoes for my favourite sister."

She giggles a little, still crying, "I'm your only sister."

"And by default, that makes you my favourite. Now come on, it's okay." I shoot her a weak grin and she takes it, smiling properly and hugging my arm.

There's a hesitant knock at the door, and Louis sticks his head out from behind it. "Madam Pomfrey gave me these." He walks over and holds out a bottle of pills to me, "She says it's the best she can do but she'll try and find something else as well. Oh, and she says she needs to see you too, as soon as possible."

I nod slowly and look at the pills, reading the label and smiling. "Thanks Lou, I owe you one." I say as cheerily as I can manage, and then lift the lid of the pills and take out two. I hold them out to Roxy and she takes them without complaint, not even asking for water.

"Shh, c'mon, I'll take you back to your dorm." I quietly murmured, "It's ok now, you can just go and sleep for a bit."

She nods and stands up, clutching my arm as I navigate my way down the stairs and back through the common room, trying to avoid Alle's eyes as we pass her. She doesn't look angry, only worried and confused, eyeing us both warily, an emotion I've never seen on Alle's face.

I remember what I said to her before, back in the Burrow. 'Forever'. I should never have done it. I should never ever have said something like that to her. How is she going to feel when she finds out? She'll be absolutely crushed. This is impossible. How am I ever going to find a way to explain all this shit?

James walks through the portrait hole just as we reach it. He grins at me lopsidedly, "Hey Buddy, thought you were off to the library? You trying to ditch me or something?"

I try to laugh, but end up just looking down at the floor and gesturing to Roxy, who's still crying.

James nods and is headed off for our dorm when Alle catches him by the arm. She mutters a few words and they move off to the side together, whispering and glancing at us worriedly. I grit my teeth and carry on through the portrait hole, trying hard to keep from crying again.

I don't know where Laura's gone.

The corridors are full of milling students. It's still lunchtime, and too cold for anyone to stand outside. A few people shoot Roxy worried glances, but on the most part we're left alone.

Halfway up Ravenclaw tower, she starts blubbing again. Clinging around my neck desperately, she cries noisily, and I have to stop walking and hold her, glad that there don't seem to be any other students around.

The sleeping pills appear to be working, and even though they weren't supposed to take effect for another half an hour, but I can see her eyes drooping.

"C'mon, Roxy," I mutter, giving her one last hug, "It's alright, you can stop crying, it's okay. Here, I'll carry you."

She shakes her head and tries to speak through her tears, "No, you're sick, you don't have to-"

Ignoring her, I put one hand around her back and another underneath her legs and swing her up into a kind of cradle. She shakes her head, trying but unable to find the energy to make me put her down. Eventually she gives up and wraps her arms around my neck, burying her head into the crook of my neck to cry again.

I'm glad of the sleeping pills right now; I can't deal with Roxy at the moment. I'm tired and irritable and all I want to do is sit down and cry. After I dump Roxy in Ravenclaw tower I'll have to go and see Pomfrey. At least that will give me a decent excuse to stay out of lessons this afternoon.

How many steps up to Ravenclaw tower?! How many?!

By the time I reach the top of the stairs my back is killing me. I knock on the door, and my only attempt at answering the password question "How many roads must a hippogriff walk down" is a half-hearted, "42". I used to have an obsession with muggle science fiction books, and I suppose it's worth a try. Of course Douglas Adams is wrong, and I'm left waiting until finally Lorcan, one half of the Scamander twins, opens the door and looks out.

By now Roxy is sobbing silently against me, and I hope that Lorcan doesn't need words to understand why I'm here.

"Freddie," He says, nodding, "What's happened?" Panic registers on his face when he sees Roxy in my arms. "Oh Merlin, is she ok? What happened? Here, I'll-"

He tries to take Roxy from my arms and I shake my head, stepping backwards and waiting until he nods once and steps aside, leading me into the Ravenclaw common room. Lorcan is a lot taller and stronger than me as a beater. He would probably be able to carry her much easier than I can, but I'm not going to let Roxy go until I know that she's completely safe.

I notice that unlike the Gryffindor common room, it's completely empty in here apart from Lorcan. He leads us up a set of stairs and into a room marked, '6th year girls'.

"Hers is that bed," He mutters quietly, nodding to the furthest one away in the corner.

I carry her over to it and place her down on it, pulling the covers up over her. I'm not sure when she fell asleep, but she looks a lot more peaceful than I've seen her in a long time. She looks happy.

"Thanks Lorcan," I smile, and am halfway past him when a sudden thought occurs to me. "Hey, Lorc…" I say slowly, a frown crossing my face and my eyes narrowing, "How do you know which one's my sister's bed."

Without realising it, I've raised my fists and I'm openly scowling at him, anger flaring through me. If he's so much as touched Roxy…

Lorcan laughs, "Don't worry, I'm not going to touch your sister." He smiles, "My sister sleeps there." Pointing to the bed next to Roxy's, he grins at my apologetic face, "Don't worry, I'd say the same if it was Grace."

I nod slowly, and head back down the stairs. He follows me, and watches me out of the common room. I'm at the exit when I turn. "Hey, look after her, will you? I mean, she's had a sleeping pill so she shouldn't wake up, but if she does, will you tell her I'm alright?"

He smiles again, "Course Fred. I'll tell Grace to keep an eye on her as well should I?"

"It's Freddie." I've always hated being called Fred. Dad's the only one who ever calls me that, always ignoring me every time I tell him differently. "And cheers, I owe you one."

He smiles at me one last time and settles back down into an armchair near to the fire.

The door swings shut behind me.

* * *

><p>"Hey, James, wake up."<p>

I open my eyes a little.

"Oi, James, get your lazy butt out of bed now."

The voice is barely a whisper, but it's still enough to wake me up. I try to glance sideways without looking, and see the silhouettes of Alle and someone who looks like Louis, but I can't be sure.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"Where's the fire?"

It sounds like Lysander, Jamie and Christopher have woken up too, and are sat up, looking over at the others.

"No, shh, don't wake him up!" Alle whispers frantically, gesturing over at me.

I instantly glue my eyes shut and try to keep my breathing even, acting asleep. I can't see a clock, but I'm guessing the time is close to two in the morning. I'm not tired at all though, and I can still hear everything going on around me.

"What's going on?" James asks, and I hear the dull thud as he jumps out of bed.

"Family meeting," Louis whispers, "There's something wrong with Freddie and Roxy, and we need to find out what."

I nearly curse out loud. Just because James is oblivious, doesn't mean that everyone else is.

There are three other thuds, and I'm guessing the others have gotten up as well.

"We're coming too." Jamie and Chris say together.

"And me." Lysander says, "Freddie's my friend, and I'm worried about him. And besides, Lorc says he saw him earlier and he looked awful."

I can feel them all watching me, and I try to stay as still as possible. I'm torn; half of me wanting to get up and put an end to this, and the other half wanting to wait and watch.

"Where are they all?" James asks rather loudly.

"Shh!" It's Alle again, closer this time, "We can't let him wake up. They're all downstairs in the common room. Everyone's already there. Now hurry up."

I can hear them all trudging towards the door.

"Oh, and James, dear, please put a dressing gown on. Your boxers are lovely, but I think poor Lonnie might have a heart attack."

Lonnie's here? Why has she come? I hurt her, why would she be here to talk about how I am? She hates me! Why-?

I wait still for a few minutes until I'm certain they've all gone. Then I open my eyes and slide out of bed, heading over towards James' bed. As quietly as I can, I reach into his trunk and rummage around until I find the cloak.

For a few seconds I stay motionless, running it over my hands and watching the door, making doubly sure that everyone's gone.

I'm about to pull it on when I have to rush to the bathroom to throw up again. I seem to spend half of my time throwing up these days.

Quickly wiping my mouth I don't waste any more time. Reaching for where I dropped the cloak I pull it on and slowly push open the door, wincing at the loud creak.

At the bottom of the stairs I stay still for a second, and then edge around the full room.

I know I'm invisible, but I still prefer to stick to the shadows. It's easier, and there's less chance of anyone walking into me if I'm hidden in a corner.

I glance around and try to figure out who's here. All of the Potters and Weasleys, of course, apart from Roxy and Victoire.

Bill and Fleur's Kids: Dominique and Louis.

Percy and Audrey's daughters: Molly and Lucy.

Ron and Hermione's kids: Rose and Hugo.

And of course the Potters,, Harry and Ginny's kids: James, Albus and Lucy.

I spy a few other people dotted around as well. Scorpius Malfoy, who I'm guessing followed after Albus when he came, Lonnie of course, who's sat quietly in a corner, the Longbottom twins, Jamie and Chris, and the Scamander twins, Lorcan and Lysander.

Alle, of course, is in the centre of the circle, waiting for everyone to shut up and listen to her.

I can't believe there are so many people here. All these people are worried about my safety, and all these people are going to be so crushed when I go. How am I going to stand it? What if they figure it out? What if they find out what's wrong and then… and then…

I press myself back against the wall and try not to think about the last time I was here in the common room past midnight.

"Alright everyone, it's time to shut up." Alle says, her voice hushed, "We need to get this over with quickly before Freddie, or anyone else for that matter, wakes up."

There's a pause, and everyone's watching her, waiting for her to carry on.

"We know why we're here, because there's something wrong with Freddie and Roxy, and we_ need_ to find out what. Everyone here would happily give up their lives for either of them, and if there is something wrong, then we have a duty to figure out what it is."

Oh no. I drop my head into my hands. How fucked up is this? I need to stop this from happening. I have to do something, I can't hear this.

James, who's stood just behind Alle with his arm around her, is the next to speak. "Jamie, Chris, Ly, we've seen him throwing up in the mornings." Jamie and Chris look down simultaneously, awkward.

"Yeah," Chris said, "He told me he just had a stomach bug, I didn't think much of it."

Alle frowns, "He's had a stomach bug for the last year and a half, I swear. He's always ill. I just put it down to Hypochondria."

"Well what about Roxy?" Lorcan pipes in, "She was crying earlier. And a few weeks ago Freddie carried her all the way up Ravenclaw tower by himself, he can't be that sick."

A few people nod, and then Scorpius speaks, "I don't know either of them that well, just from the Quidditch pitch, but to me it looks like both of them have an awful lot of rage to take out."

Lorcan nods again, "Yeah, Roxy's always been a great beater, but for the last year or so she's just been ferocious."

I forgot that Lorcan and Roxy were Ravenclaw beaters together.

"Hey, guys, I think we've got 'Toire."

Dom, who's sat over by the fire, looks up and smiles around at us all, "She'll be here in a second."

Right on cue, the fire burns green and Victoire's face appears, grinning, in the flames.

"Hey guys," She smiles. "You all alright?

Dom smiles back at her sister and stands up, backing away to join the rest of the group, "Hey 'Toire, we're all good. How are you?"

Suddenly Victoire lets out a little shriek and disappears.

Dom leans forwards, and then stands back again, shrugging.

"Whatever," She says, "She'll be back."

Lucy, who's been sat quietly in the back, steps forwards and speaks up, "I don't think either of them have been okay for a while. They're acting weird. This morning I got to talk to Freddie by himself and he looked like he was going to cry."

Damn. I thought my acting was better than all that. Maybe Lucy's just too perceptive.

"And he left Lonnie. We all know how much he loves her. She's all he ever talked about." James pauses for a second, "Well, all he ever used to talk about, until Christmas day. Christmas Eve morning he told me she was the most important thing in the world to him, and then after that…" He shrugs. James is intelligent enough, but he's never been much of a thinker, that's Lucy's area of expertise.

"Well, I don't know what it is, but there's something really, really wrong. With both of them and we need to figure it out, because they can't carry on like this. I've caught Roxy crying three times this week." It's Lily, leaning forwards and frowning.

"Yeah," Albus is halfway through agreeing with Lily when the fire burns green again.

"Hey," Victoire grins cheekily, "Sorry about that, Teddy was just being_ completely_ inappropriate." She rolls her eyes and looks behind her for a second. "Anyway, what's this about?"

"It's Roxy and Freddie." Louis says, "There's something really, really wrong and we don't know what. We thought maybe you'd have heard something from-"

"Oh no you don't." She shakes her head, "You leave them both alone. Freddie is going to tell you in his own time and until then you just need to be there for him, be there for them both. I'm not saying a word because this is not my place. I'm sorry, but this is his fight and he will tell you what's going on when the time is right for him. And if I hear about any of you pestering either of them, especially Freddie, I am going to come to Hogwarts and deal with you myself, because this is not a game. Please just drop it."

There's silence in the room as Victoire shakes her head and backs out of the flames, disappearing from view. The fire burns a brighter green for a second, and then returns to orange.

"What-?" James asks, utterly confused. "What was that all about? What's going on?"

Alle however, stares pensively into the fire after Victoire. "I think we should do as she says."

There are protests from all around the room, but she silences them with a glare. "No, I mean I think we should just keep an eye on them, but if she's right then this is bigger than we thought, and we just need to give them some space. So let's just be there for them and everyone keep an eye on Freddie. Just look out for anything that could be up and don't do anything stupid. That means you, James." She says pointedly, before giving him a quick kiss. "No, I'm kidding, you're adorable really."

They kiss again, and a few people groan and stand up, the cue to leave.

"Hey, anyone want to borrow the cloak to get back?" James asks, surprisingly cheerfully, "Just give me one second."

Shit. I try to make a run for the stairs but James gets there first, sprinting upwards and through the door.

I turn away, cursing again. Desperately searching around, I try to find somewhere to hide where they won't think to look for me. Skirting the edge of the room, I position myself in a shadow beside the portrait hole, where I can make a quick getaway if needs be.

James returns slowly, looking pale and dumbstruck.

He stares around the room for a few seconds, searching until he meets Alle's eyes. Everybody's staring at him now.

"The cloak's gone." He murmurs, still staring at Alle. "And so is Freddie."

There's a second of silence and then she swears loudly.

"Find him!"

Everybody starts moving around the room slowly, waving their arms around them, grasping at the air. In any other circumstances, I would marvel at how ridiculous they look. It takes me a few moments to realise that I've started to cry. I'm not sure when. Turning, I wrench open the portrait hole and dash through it. The cloak catches somewhere behind me, and I don't have time to wrench it free before I'm off, running down the corridor, tears streaming and the sound of heavy footfalls sprinting after me.

"Freddie!" It's Alle, she's only just behind me; she must have been near to the portrait hole and followed straight after me, "Freddie wait! Please, come back!" She yells, and I hear her come to a stop in the corridor. "Please Freddie."

I carry on, ducking around a corner and through one of the many secret passageways. No-one's following me now.

Still sprinting through the corridors, I wrack my brains to try and think of where in the castle would be empty. It takes a few minutes for the answer to come: The Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom.

Ever since our last teacher, Professor Macintosh, the balding read-headed Scottish bloke who wore a kilt, socks and sandals, retired, we haven't had a full time teacher. Various other Professors have covered for us, and occasionally we've just been left alone in a classroom for forty-five minutes with nothing to do.

I slow my pace down a bit as I reach the DADA classroom, holding my side, certain that the pain is more than just a stitch. The room is empty, as I expected, and I cross it quickly, opening the door to the office and sitting down on the edge of the desk, still panting a little.

I don't know where to go now. I can't go back to Gryffindor tower, of course. They'll all be waiting for me and despite what they've said, they want answers. I wish Dad was here; he'd tell me what to do. He'd hug me and grin and tell a joke and everything would be-

No, it wouldn't. Because Dad isn't Dad any more. In fact I haven't even spoken to him face to face since that morning when we were called into St Mungo's. That horrible, horrible morning.

There's a cupboard opposite me, and I stand up, walking over to it and pulling it open, surveying the contents warily. It's nearly empty, apart from one large fur coat that must be left over from Professor Macintosh. I pull it from its hanger and spread it out along the bottom of the wardrobe. Lying down and pulling the door shut after me, I fall asleep iinstantly, plagued by nightmares of my own funeral, in which everyone I know walks up to a black coffin, and I have to see the look on each and every one of their faces.

Eventually though, the nightmares give way to a dreamless oblivion.

* * *

><p><strong>I would normally talk a bit about this chapter but I really, really don't feel so good. I might come back and edit it later to say something but I don't know. I've just done the worlds stupidest thing and I need some time to get my head straight. I don't know when I'll have time to do the next chapter. Maybe in a week or so. Whenever.<br>Anyway, hopefully I'll be back and writing again soon.  
>So yeah, lots of hugs and etc. to reviewers and everything<br>Bye, Hannah.**


	5. Chapter 4

**Turned to dust**

**Chapter 4**

I can't tell what time of day it is when I finally wake up.

The cupboard door is sealed tightly shut so no light comes through. My body tells me that I must have been sleeping for hours though, possibly more than a day.

Screwing my eyes shut I try to remember how I got here; why I'm lying in a cupboard by myself.

It comes back slowly. First the horrible realisation of what's going to happen to me, and then the memories of what happened at the meeting. I feel sick and I know I'm going to vomit but there's nowhere in here for me to go.

I feel tiny pinpricks in the corner of my eyes and have to lean forwards and bury my face in my hands. It's so bloody unfair.

Numb from my own pain, I barely hear the voices that enter the room, and find myself curling down into the depths of the cupboard, hiding among the folds of the coat.

"So I imagine you remember your way around well enough, and you know the layout of your office?"

Professor McGonagall is talking to somebody, and she sounds strained, even more stressed out than usual.

"Yeah, thanks Professor. I mean, Minerva." The other person laughs, and there's something very familiar about their voice that I can't quite place.

"Alright, you have a wardrobe, a desk, a chair, your bedroom is right through there, so I think you have just about everything you need. Is there anything else I can help you with?" She asks, her voice a little more distant, as if she's halfway out through the doorway.

"No, everything's great thanks." He stops talking for a second, "Is everything alright? You seem a bit… on edge."

I hear her sigh, "We have a student who's been missing for over forty-eight hours now. We've searched everywhere, we don't even think he's still on the school premises, although if he has then we have no chance of finding him, he's already passed his apparition test."

Somebody's missing? I look up through my tears and try to listen for any more clues. If they've passed their test it means that they'll be in my year, but I can't think of anyone who might have reason to run away.

The other person pauses again. "Can I ask who?"

"Fred Weasley," She says curtly. "We're hoping he just needs some time and he'll be back, but he's always been a very unpredictable boy, and especially with his _condition_…"

Oh. I feel stupid now, but only for a few seconds before a fresh wave of tears takes hold.

I find myself biting my tongue to muffle my sobs, and pressing my face into the floor of the wardrobe, overcome with guilt.

More than forty-eight hours, she said. Everyone must be so worried. How could I be selfish enough to do this to them? I'm a horrible person; in fact I probably do deserve to die.

"I'll keep my eyes open, and after I've unpacked I'll come and join the search."

"Thank you."

I hear Professor McGonagall's heels clack against the floor loudly as she leaves the room, and then there's silence, broken by the occasional sounds of books being placed onto tables and a trunk being dragged around the room.

I know I should get up and go find everybody else, make sure that they know that I'm alright, but I can't move. Well, I can move, but I can't bring myself to move.

Rolling over onto my side, I cry harder, and can't stop myself from letting out a feeble moan.

"Hello?" The voice from before, who I'm presuming is our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, "Who's there?"

I don't bother even trying to move; instead I slump down, pressing myself into the back of the wardrobe and hiding my face in my hands.

"Who's there?"

I still don't answer.

The wardrobe door is flung open and I have to screw my eyes shut even tighter against the brightness.

"Freddie?" The person asks slowly, leaning forwards and putting a hand on my shoulder, "Freddie… Oh Merlin?"

I shake my head, still keeping my face hidden and try to make sense of where I recognise that voice from.

I hear him sighing, and then He stands back a little.

"Okay, Freddie." He says gently. "Here's what we're going to do. First, you're going to sit tight here for five minutes, and then I'm going to go and tell McGonagall that I've found you. Then I'm going to come straight back here and we're going to have a chat, ok?"

Unable to think of anything else I can do, I nod, and hear him walking away towards the door.

"And please don't do anything stupid like running off, because I just want to talk. And besides, the castle is full of people looking for you, and I doubt you want to run into any of your family."

Feeling sick, I nod again. I still have no idea who he is, but by now I'm sure I must know him.

Groaning, I realise that this might be my only chance to find a bathroom to throw up, and I stand, my legs aching as I make my way over to the bathroom and bend over the toilet. I'm still there a few minutes later when he returns.

"Freddie?" He calls cautiously, and I hear him searching the wardrobe, "Are you still in here?"

I let out a half-hearted groan and he comes sprinting into the bathroom.

"Merlin," He mutters again, putting a hand on my shoulder and helping me up. "You ok?"

For the first time I catch a proper glimpse of his face. Now his hair is light blue, and stuck up in spikes, but even as I watch, he shifts it to red and lets it fall over his eyes in a more regular hairstyle.

"Teddy." I breathe, realising immediately who it is, and wondering why I didn't recognise his voice earlier. "What are you doing here?"

He raises his eyebrows a little, "Why don't we talk about this in my office? You like tea, right?"

I nod, and he leads me out of the bathroom and back into his office, gesturing to a small sofa over in the corner of his room. I sit, and he goes over to a small kettle and fills it with water. I close my eyes and wait for him to finish, trying to keep from crying again. Of course it doesn't work.

He returns and presses a steaming mug of tea into my hands, sitting down next to me. "Are you going to tell me why you've spent the last two days hiding in a wardrobe?" He asks, after a lengthy pause.

I shrug, and look up at Teddy. "I just- I couldn't do it anymore."

He nods, "That's understandable."

"I'm scared Teddy," I whisper, "I'm scared and I don't want any of this. It- It's horrible; I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

My hands are shaking around the mug, I try to take a sip but I can't swallow properly. There's a lump in my throat.

Teddy shakes his head and takes the mug from me, putting it down on the small coffee table next to his. "You know, you're allowed to be scared, Freddie. There's nothing wrong with that, and in the circumstances, I think you'd be mad not to be scared. I'd be scared, and I know I'd be coping a lot worse than you are now. Back home, everyone's amazed at how well you're doing." He smiles gently.

"But I'm not, Teddy, I'm breaking down every other day and throwing up and I feel like crap and I'm terrified of anybody finding out and I don't know what to say to Roxy and I keep getting thousands of owls from Dad begging me to come home, but I don't know how to reply because I don't want anyone else to get hurt, and on top of that my cousins are so suspicious and they know something's wrong, and Lonnie's so hurt and all I'm doing is making everybody's lives miserable. Maybe it would be easier if I just died right now." I finish my outburst and look down, my eyes filled with tears yet again.

He puts a hand on my shoulder, and for some reason he starts laughing, "Trust you, Freddie." He grins, "Is it impossible for you to worry about yourself for once? Have you even thought about you?" He laughs again, "You don't have to worry about your cousins, they're a lot stronger than they look, they'll be fine."

"But they won't!" I almost yell, "You didn't hear them before! They were all talking about how they'd give their lives for me. And what about Dad?"

Teddy sits back, "Their meeting…" He breathes, "'Toire told me about it. Were- Were you there?"

I nod, "James' cloak. I heard the whole thing, but then they realised that I wasn't in bed. They started looking for me and I ran. That's how I ended up here."

He looks down. "You know that you're going to have to tell them at some point." He sighs. "They have a right to know. You can't keep them in the dark. Yes I know it's going to be difficult, and I know that you don't want to, but it's what's best for everyone."

For a second I'm angry, really angry. I want to punch him right in the stupid face for even suggesting that I bring the rest of my family in on my pain. But I stop myself in time and shut my eyes, trying to think calmly.

"I just don't want to hurt them." I say simply, opening my eyes.

Teddy shakes his head and smiles sadly, "I'm sorry, Freddie, but that's an eventuality you can't avoid. All you can do is try to make it as easy as possible for them, spend time with them and make sure that they know how much you love them."

I nod.

"If you want I can get your cousins and bring them here, you can talk to them."

I shake my head. I need time to get my head straight and figure out exactly what I'm going to say. Standing, I turn towards the door and stay still for a few seconds. I don't want to go, because I know I'll have to see people and I know I'll have to talk to them and explain.

"Are you going to be alright?" Teddy asked, standing up next to me and gripping my shoulder. "You know you can come back here and talk to me whenever you need it, the door is always open."

I nod again, and he smiles. "I'll be fine." I mutter slowly, trying to steal myself so that I can leave and go to find Roxy.

"If you're sure."

He watches me leave, and I'm sure he doesn't believe that I'm going to be ok.

I try not to think about that, and leave the room as fast as I can.

* * *

><p>A few weeks pass, and I try to find a way to tell my cousins, I've even managed to sit them down and start trying to explain, but every time I do the words get stuck and I'm left babbling until I run out of the room.<p>

They're now more suspicious than ever, and I know that if I put it off for any longer, Harry or Teddy will tell them instead. I know that Roxy is impatient for me to act as well; she keeps stopping me on the corridors and telling me that 'Today's the day', and 'You have to do it at some point, just get it over with'. I'm on my way to the Ravenclaw common room to find her and tell her that I can't when I meet Hugo.

He's clutching at a piece of paper as if it's the only thing that matters to him in the world, and there are tears all over his face. I realise straight away. _He knows_. For a second I think I'm going to run, but I can't. Not when Hugo looks like that. He sees me a little while after I see him, and I think that through his tears he can't recognise me. Then he mouths something, my name I think, and all I can do is stand, unmoving, not daring to say anything because if I cry too then it will only be a thousand times more painful for him.

I silently thank that we're in an empty corridor; this isn't something that needs to be public. For the minute I just need to be with Hugo.

He stumbles forwards and I think he's about to fall, but he stops and shakes his head vigorously, wiping tears away with the back of his hands. He fixes a determined grimace onto his face, but coupled with the fact that he's still crying it just makes everything all the worse.

"Hugo." I walk over to his slowly and look him in the eye. "Are you ok?"

He nods, but stops halfway through and shakes his head instead. "Why didn't you tell us? Why? She said you've had it for a year, all this time and we didn't know, how could you not tell us?" He's not angry, like in my nightmares, but he looks awful.

She said? It was Roxy then. Is it just Hugo, or everyone? I don't think it will have been everyone, Roxy's closer to Hugo than anyone else apart from me, them both being Ravenclaws, and he's one of the most together members of the Weasley clan, despite being only fifteen. If any of them will take this well, if it's physically possible to take it well, it's going to be Hugo.

"I'm sorry, Hugo," I mutter, "I just didn't want you to hurt."

"Didn't want us to hurt! Freddie you're the one that should be hurting. Let us cope in our own ways, we'll be okay. Right now, you need to concentrate on you."

You wouldn't be able to tell that he's fifteen. He looks so old, and the pain etched into his face only adds to it.

"Thanks, Hugh." I say, trying to find a smile somewhere. "Look, please don't tell the others, I… I want to tell them myself."

"Of course. Are you going to find Roxy?"

"Yes. I need to talk to her." I mumble. I don't want to abandon him in the middle of this, but Hugo's always been strong, and he'll find a way to cope. "She's in the common room, right?"

He nods. "I only left to find you, I'll take you. I know the answer to get in."

I follow him in silence, there's not much else I can do at this point. I know I should be talking to him, but I just can't find the energy. It isn't far to the common room, and I'm barely listening as he answers the question and pushes open the door.

It's crowded, unlike the last time I was in here, which surprises me as it's only mid-morning, a break between lessons. Roxy is sat in the middle of the room on a large armchair. She looks up when I enter, and Hugo, sensing that this isn't something he should overhear, escapes up a flight of stairs that apparently leads to his dormitory.

Roxy stands up and walks over to me, trying to smile. "I'm sorry," She mutters, "Someone had to know. You can't keep going on like this by yourself."

"Roxy you had no right!" I say, louder than I intended, "Did you see him? Did you see how he was before? He's a mess, Roxy, and all because of you. We can't do that to the rest of them."

Without realising it, I've become angry; really, really angry. The rage I've been storing up since Christmas is finally bubbling over and I don't want to channel it at Roxy but I can't help myself. I want to scream and cry and punch the walls.

"You can't hide it anymore! You'll only end up hurting people even more than you already will, and I know you're scared, but it's-"

"SCARED?" I explode, shouting now, "YOU THINK I'M SCARED! ROXY I'M NOT SCARED, I'M PETRIFIED. YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA!"

"YOU THINK I'M NOT SCARED TOO, FREDDIE?" She yells back, throwing down the book she's holding and stamping her foot. "YOU'RE MY BROTHER; MY ONLY BROTHER, AND YOU HAVE TERMINAL CANCER! TERMINAL FUCKING CANCER! WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW?"

"A HELL OF A LOT LESS THAN-" I stop suddenly, my eyes going wide and terror flashing through me.

I turn slowly to face the silent Ravenclaw common room, stuffed with people and all of them staring directly at me. In the corner I see Dominique.

She stands up slowly, her mouth moving swiftly, although no words are escaping, all of the colour gone from her cheeks. I don't know if she's going to scream or faint. Maybe both. I meet her eyes for a minute, and I can vaguely hear Roxy panicking beside me, saying something. I don't know whether she's speaking to me or the rest of the room; everything's gone silent. Time's stopped.

I don't say anything, and flee the room.

* * *

><p><strong>Lunchtime-The library-Alle<strong>

I don't know when Lonnie and I started spending so much time together. More than even when we were kids. I don't know whether it's just our constant worry and theorising about Freddie, or something else, but she's beside me as I enter the library today. I feel terrible for her though, she didn't take Freddie leaving her well, but today is a good day, it's sunny, and we just need to get this afternoon's homework out of the way.

We pick an empty table to start working, but the other end's quickly filled by a handful of second or third year Ravenclaws. They sit and gossip among themselves, and Lonnie gives me a few irritated glances before settling back to her work.

The Ravenclaws are squabbling now, arguing about a borrowed pen that needs to be returned, when one of them lowers their voice and leans in.

"Oh my Merlin, were you lot there this morning?"

Two of the other Ravenclaws nod excitedly, but a few more lean in curiously.

"No, what happened?" Asks one.

"It was awful," Another replies in a hushed voice, "They were just screaming at each other and crying, it was just horrible, no-one knew what to do."

A few nod, and I exchange a curious glance with Lonnie; we're both listening in now, and I can tell that she's just as intrigued as I am.

"She screamed it out in front of everybody, and it's obvious they've been trying to hush it up; she looked so guilty. I thought she was going to cry."

"She did cry."

"Shh."

"She was crying though, I mean, I would, if I had just accidentally told the whole of Ravenclaw house that my brother has terminal cancer."

A horrible hole empties up in my stomach, and I glance up at Lonnie. It's obvious that we shouldn't be listening in on this; it's not our business. Of course it isn't the Ravenclaw's business either, but that's not going to stop them.

"Terminal? Oh my- Who was it?"

"I don't know what they're called. One of the Weasley's; the ones that don't look like Weasleys."

"Dominique?" One of them asks, sounding shocked. "The Veela ones?"

"No." The girl shakes her head, "The other ones, what are they called? The dark skinned ones."

No. They're talking about somebody else. It's wrong, some kind of mistake; a horrible rumour that's got out of hand.

"You mean Roxy? What's her brother called again, Philip?"

"Freddie!" One of them says loudly, "It's Freddie: Freddie and Roxy. Merlin, what's horrible, the Weasleys are all so close."

My stomach drops and my heart is in my mouth. I'm shaking, adrenaline pulsing through my veins because it makes sense. It all makes horrible, horrible sense.

I look up and meet Lonnie's eyes. She's already begun to cry. I can't though, not yet. I'm completely numb. I need to see him; I have to talk to him. Although if what happened last time he was upset is anything to go by, he's probably half way to Australia by now.

Reaching across the table I grip Lonnie's hand tightly. "C'mon," I whisper, my voice sounding cracked and strangled, "We're going to find him." I say, "We're going to find him and we're going to save him. We'll find something, there has to be a way; there has to be something."

The desperation in my voice is evident and I know that I'm not fooling anybody. But one thing I do know, is that Freddie is not alone. He's my best friend, and I'm not going to let him be by himself. He'll never have to be by himself again.

* * *

><p><strong>Fourth floor corridor-Freddie<strong>

"Lily!" I gasp when I see her, and rush forwards to hug her, wanting to get this over with as fast as I can. "Lily I'm sorry, I should have told you, I'm really, really sorry."

She hugs me back and then pulls away, "Freddie, no offence, but are you okay? Why are you sorry? What's going on? You're acting a bit mental."

I swear loudly and move away from her. "Never mind Lily. It doesn't matter, I mean…" I put my head in my hands. She'll know soon enough anyway. "Ok, I'm going to tell you something, Lily, and it's horrible, and it'll hurt but you have to try and be strong, ok? Gryffindors together."

She looks wary, "What are you talking about? Nothing really bad's happened has it? Is everyone okay? Is somebody hurt? Is Mum okay? Has something happened to Dad?" She looks really worried. Can I really tell her like this?

"No, Lily, your parents are fine, this is about me." I pause and watch as her expression changes. She must have realised by now that we're talking about what's happened and why Roxy and I have been acting up for the past few weeks. "Lily, I'm not very well. I've not been well for a long time, nearly a year now, and on the day before Christmas, I was told that I'm… I'm not going to get better."

I'm quite proud that I managed to get through the sentence without my voice breaking. I study Lily's face carefully. Understanding is beginning to register, but she doesn't get it quite yet.

"Freddie, what do you mean? Not going to get better?" She leans forwards and takes my hands, "There's a cure for every illness, you just need to take some time off school and then you'll be fine. You will be fine. You have to be."

I squeeze her hands, "No, Lils... I have cancer, and its terminal. I'm sorry. There's nothing anyone can do."

"No." She shakes her head, "No. You're lying." She pulls away from me and carries on shaking her head. "It's not true. It c- can't be true."

She starts to shiver, and then she's shaking from head to foot, her teeth chattering.

"Lily," I pull her back into a hug, "It's okay. I know it's difficult, and I know you're scared; god knows I'm scared, but it'll turn out okay. I promise."

"N-No." She speaks more loudly, pulling away from me "You're lying! You're lying and you're horrible and I hate you but you_ have_ to be lying! Y-you can't be…" She trails off and looks at me desperately, pleading for some kind of answer, anything that I can say to her, but there's nothing. Nothing I can ever do. "NO!" She yells, pushing me and stamping her foot, "YOU'RE A LIAR! STOP IT! TELL ME THE TRUTH! TELL ME THE TRUTH! PLEASE! YOU'RE WRONG! YOU'RE WRONG YOU'RE WRONG!" He face drops and she stares at me pleadingly, as if all of the fight from her sudden outburst has gone out of her. "Freddie… Freddie please."

I can't think of anything to say. This is my worst nightmare, and I know that I'll have to do it for all of the rest of them as well. I wonder if Lonnie knows by now. What will she say? What will she think? Will she believe them? If it's this hard for Lily to believe it when I just tell her then how will the others react with just the word of other people to go on. I need to get everybody together and just explain. I can't do it. It's just horrible.

"Look, Lily, I know. I know exactly how you feel, but I need you to just keep calm, please." I take a deep breath and touch her shoulder, trying to steady and calm her. "I need you to find the others for me. Everyone that… needs to know. Everyone who was at the meeting, just go and get them. Bring them up to my dorm tonight. Ten o'clock. Tell them that I'm going to explain everything." I sigh, "I'm sorry, Lils. I'm going to make this right. I'll fix it."

She shakes her head, "I'll do everything you want, Fred, but you can't fix it." She hugs me tightly and then wipes away her tears, "We're going to look after you, I promise that we're going to look after you. You're not going to be alone. Whatever happens we'll all stick by your side, through everything."

I'm tearing up, and I can't let her see me cry, so I walk away down the corridor, wiping my eyes and ducking down a stairway to get away from the corridors. I don't think I'll be able to manage talking to anybody else.

Luckily, nobody seems to be around. A few Hufflepuffs give me reassuring smiles, but apart from that I get back to the common room unscathed. Crossing the room is horrible. Rose is there, and she grins at me, no idea what's going on.

I don't smile back.

Reaching my thankfully empty dorm I collapse face down on my bed, sobbing into my pillow. I have no idea how long it is before I fall asleep, but I don't care; I'm exhausted, scared and tired.

It's half past nine when I wake up and run to the bathroom, throwing up quickly and then returning to my dorm to wait, sitting on my bed with my arms wrapped around my legs, trying not to cry.

By the time people begin to file in, I feel sick again.

* * *

><p><strong>Why hello there. It's been a while. I think... Might not have been. I don't really know.<br>Anyway, I'm really really sorry for my comments on the last chapter. I just really, really wan't feeling too good. I still aren't exactly, but I'm okay.  
>So yes, this chapter. I know that so far the story isn't exactly taking off, but as soon as we've got everybody finding out out of the way then we can start on the real plotline and drama and romance and tragedy shall follow.<br>So yes. I like the idea of Teddy being a teacher as well, I love Teddy. As those of you who have read my other story, Beloved, probably know.  
>Um, so yeah. I'm going to go and find chocolate now, so...<br>Bye,  
>From Hannah :D<br>P.S. If you review I'll find some chocolate too.  
><strong>

**Note: The end of this chapter has been edited as of 24/05/2012 (That's british date writingy thingy, DD/MM/YYYY)**


	6. Chapter 5

**[[Note: If you're reading this in continuity (If that's a real word..?) I have edited the end of the last chapter as of 24/05/2012, so you might need to re-read it to understand what's going on]]**

**Turned to Dust**

**Chapter 5**

Some of them look as if they're going to be sick, and others completely oblivious. Dommie is crying quietly and clinging onto Louis hand, while Chris and Jamie are talking to each other quietly, giving me worried, confused glances.

Roxy comes in just behind them, and feel a rush of gratitude for Lorcan, who walks by her side, one arm around her shoulders, and the other holding her hand tightly. He looks like he's the only think keeping her standing upright. They must have walked here from the Ravenclaw common room together.

I'm sat at the very end of my bed, my arms wrapped around my knees, and I close my eyes slowly because I managed to catch a glimpse of who's coming up the stairs next, supported by Alle and with a very confused James just behind them.

I hear Lonnie make a strangled noise, and then her arms are around me, her face pressed down into my shoulder. Lifting my arms up, I wrap them gently around her and stroke her hair. She doesn't deserve this. None of them do. Sometimes, it would be a whole lot easier if people just didn't care.

Eyes still closed, I kiss the top of Lonnie's head, and then suddenly my stomach jumps. Pushing her away rather roughly, I dart towards the bathroom and just about manage to reach the toilet it time, bending down to vomit loudly, hearing gasps from behind me, and one person's hand on my back.

"No. No, James. You keep everybody out. Just give us two minutes, alright?"

I almost groan. Anyone but Alle. Why can't it ever just not be Alle?

"Freddie, can you look at me please?"

I do, and she doesn't look as bad as I imagined. She's not crying or struggling to look at me. She looks sad, but still Alle, always fierce and determined.

"Okay. First off, I was going to ask you if it's true, but obviously…" She trails off and blinks, and I have to admire her courage. No-body gets to see Alle cry, and apparently I'm no exception. "Okay, well it's cliché, and people are going to tell you this way too much, but we're here for you, and not for one second are you ever going to be alone. Not ever again." She grabs a piece of toilet roll and wipes my mouth gently, getting rid of all visible traces of the puke and then chucks it into the toilet. "Why did you think you could hide it from us? We would have found out eventually. And you promised me. You said 'Forever'. Do you not know what that means? Do you think forever means that even when it's like this you can lie to us and make it go away? Did you think that? Did you think-?" Her anger seems to build, and then a wild, panicked look fills her eyes and she grips my arm, "No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have- I mean-" She gabbles.

Finally she's betrayed her fear, and I try to give her a smile. "No, Alle, please don't apologize. You don't have to. I get it, I know how it is. I'm still the same Freddie though, and please don't treat me any differently." I give her a quick hug, and she looks at me worriedly.

"Do you need help? I can talk to them for you if you don't think you can. No-one would think of you badly for it."

I shake my head, cutting her off, "I have to, but- but if you can help me then…" I stop and look nervously down at the ground, "I'm going to talk to them."

Collecting myself, I open the door and walk out, taking in everybody's faces properly for the first time.

My eyes back on the floor again, I head over to my bed, where Lonnie sits, her head in her hands, weeping.

"Lon?" I ask, putting my hand on the small of her back and sitting down next to her to pull her into my arms, "Can you look at me?"

She shakes her head, and burrows gently into my neck, crying more softly now.

"Shh, it's okay." I hold her, swaying gently until her cries cease, and she manages to sit up, still clinging onto me tightly though.

"M-Most of you know why you're here." My voice quavers a little as I address the room, meeting Albus' eye and nearly crying. He looks so lost, even though it's plain from his expression that he's one of the ones with no idea what's going on. "And I'm sorry," I carry on, "I'm sorry I was too cowardly to tell you myself, but I was just scared."

I see James snake his arm around Alle's waist; he might not know yet, but he always knows when Alle needs comforting. On the very few occasions that she does. Her face is in his chest and I look back down at Lonnie quickly, kissing her to reassure her.

"Those of you that don't know then I'm- I'm sorry in advance. Honestly if there was anything I could do to change the way things are then I would. Really, I would." Swallowing, I don't dare to look into anybody's eyes and let myself become fixated on the ground, "I have cancer." I say quietly, although in the room now you could hear a pin drop. "I decided not to let anybody know because- Well because I didn't any of you to be hurt by it and I thought I could just get rid of it and go back to normal but…" My stomach twitches again, but I bite back down the need to throw up, "But that's not possible anymore, because-" I shake my head and look back up at everyone, "Because it's not going to go away." Lonnie bursts into fresh sobs, and I concentrate on her, whispering soothing words that only she can hear, then looking up and clearing my throat. "It was Christmas Eve when I was told and- Well and everything's sort of gone to shit since then, hasn't it?"

A barely audible moan escapes James' lips, and in plain view, a tear runs down his cheek. Alle goes to wipe it away, but he moves his face so she can't reach. Going back in to kiss her forehead and letting himself cry in plain view of all of his friends and family.

James crying is what finally breaks me.

I can't do it anymore. I want them all out, gone, and I want to be able to talk to Lonnie. And if not talk to her, then just hold her because I love her. Because I always have done and always will, and because I let her think that I didn't and now that she knows I can't be around to tell her. Looking down at her, I meet her gaze and put my hand on her face, trying to express everything that I want to tell her.

"Alright guys, I think- I think it's time to go." Her air of authority back at once, Alle steps forwards and takes change, although not once does she let go of James' hand.

Roxy steps forwards, flanked by Lorcan, "Look, the common room is pretty much empty, and I think F-Freddie is done." Lorcan squeezes her hand as she stutters, and once again I feel a rush of gratitude towards him. He really did listen when I asked him to look after her; he looks like a brick wall next to her tiny frame. "I can carry this on, we- Freddie needs some time."

I almost smile. Time is exactly what I need and time is exactly what I don't have any more.

People begin to file out, most of them trying to meet my eyes as they do, but James stops.

"Wait. Just- Just tell me one thing. How long have you got? A year? Two years? Just- how long?"

The whole room freezes, obviously this has been the question at the forefront of everybody's mind, and It's not an answer that they're going to like.

"Fi-five- I mean-" No, a whole month can't have passed since Christmas. It can't have been a month. That's not possible. It just isn't. "Four months."

Lonnie lets out a wail, and I turn my back on the entire room, pressing my forehead against hers and muttering quick "I love you"s in the hope that it might make some shred of difference to how she feels.

She lifts her arms up around my neck and I hold her to my chest, kissing the top of her head, "Listen Lonnie, I love you, and things are going to be okay. I promise." I kiss her again, "I swear it, Lon. I swear it's going to be okay."

"How?" She asks, her voice so weak as she presses her face down into my chest, "How is anything ever going to be okay ever again?" Her voice breaks on the last word, and I take her hands, forcing her to sit up and look at me.

"Lonnie Thomas, you listen to me right now." I say quietly, looking at her intently, "I love you, okay? And absolutely nothing will ever stop me from loving you. Not- not cancer, not death, not _nothing_."

A few stray tears roll down her cheeks, and I wipe them away quickly, pressing my lips against hers and pulling her closer to me. There's no way I can get her to take this well, so the most I can do is just be here for her. "C'mon," I mutter quickly, pulling out of the kiss and shuffling across to the top of the bed, "Lie with me."

I'm not sure whether the noise she makes is a laugh or a cry. "I'm not really in the mood Freddie." She whispers, looking down and closing her eyes, a sight which renders me almost unable to prevent myself from rushing over there and wrapping my arms around her all over again.

"No, Lon." Ignoring my impulses, I move slowly, touching her chin to turn her head upwards, "Not like that. You know I don't mean it like that. Please, just lie with me. Let me- Let me hold you."

She pauses and shakes her head, but kisses me anyway, crawling up to the top of the bed and falling into my arms.

Her head is buried in my chest, and I can feel her shaking gently as she sobs. My arms curl around her, and I struggle to think of anything to say, but nothing comes to me, so I just lie there, holding her.

Eventually the sobs subside, and I think she's asleep. Either way, at least she's not crying any more. No, she's awake; she wipes her eyes and props herself up, looking at me.

"Freddie?" She whispers, "Are you asleep?"

I sit up as well and put my hand to the side of her face, "I'm awake. Are you okay?"

She nods once, "I-I think so."

I can see that she's tearing up again a little so I kiss her, sitting up properly and leaning against the headboard.

"Why didn't you tell us?" She asks, breaking the kiss and leaning down into my shoulder, "You just sent me that owl and I had no idea- _No_ idea. I thought I had done something wrong. You could have just told me. Why didn't you tell me?"

I shake my head. "I'm sorry; I didn't want you to get hurt."

"Didn't want me to get hurt?" She sounds almost betrayed, "What, and I'm not hurting now? Lying to us for all this time hasn't hurt us at all?"

"Lon, I-"

"No, don't say anything." She interrupts shrilly, pulling away from me. "You lied to me. You lied to me all this time and I had no idea. And then you just dropped me when it suited you, like some kind of toy."

"No. No." Surely she understands that that's not how it is. She must see my reasoning.

"I thought you cared about me." She crosses her arms and turns her head away. "You never even loved me at all."

No. I can't be hearing this. I've got this wrong. It's some kind of horrible, horrible nightmare. "No." I move across to her and put my hands on her shoulders, staring into her eyes and trying to find some kind of flicker of doubt. "No, Lon, I've always loved you. I didn't want you to get hurt again and that's why I did it. I couldn't have you with me whilst it's like that because I care about you. _Please _don't do this."

"No!" She burst out loudly, pushing against my chest and standing up, turning back to me, glaring spitefully. "I hate you! You're nothing but a lying son of a bitch! I hope I never see you again!"

I lurch to my feet on the opposite side of the bed to her, the pain in my eyes tumultuous. "What? Lonnie what are you talking about? You can't! Please don't! Please, you can't leave me, I'll-"

"You'll what?" She burst spitefully, "Don't be stupid Freddie, I can't leave you. It's too late for that isn't it? _You_ already left me. What, you think just because you gave me a hug and told me how much you loved me it means we're back together? I don't think so." She stamps across the room and flings open the door to the dorm, setting off down the stairs at a run.

"LONNIE!" I scream after her, pelting down the stairs after her and into the common room, "LONNIE WAIT!" She can't do this. She can't just leave like this, I need her. I can't live without her. "PLEASE!"

I'm only vaguely aware of all of the people stood around the common room, watching us. All I can see is Lonnie's face. She's crying, and she looks so pained, like she's the one hurting and not me.

"I don't want to hear it Fred." She snaps, glaring at me through her tears. "As if I care what you want. You can beg and scream all you like, but I'm never ever going to come anywhere near you again. I hate you. I hate you so much."

I'm not hearing this. It's not true. It can't be.

"No, you're lying, it's-"

"WHAT, SO NOW I'M THE LIAR? DO YOU KNOW WHAT FREDDIE? I'M GLAD YOU'RE DYING. I'M _GLAD_." She spits, glowering at me, "THE WORLD WILL BE A BETTER PLACE WITHOUT YOU. THE SOONER YOU GO, THE BETTER."

She stops, breathing hard, and looks around the room, there's deadly silence across everyone, and Lonnie shakes her head, bursting into fresh sobs and putting her face into her hands, running straight out of the common room.

I can't speak. I'm shaking, crouching down to the floor and putting my head between my knees. That didn't just happen. There's no way that Lonnie just said that. That's not Lonnie.

"Oh my merlin... James, Roxy, you two look after Freddie. I'm going to go and talk to Lonnie. The rest of you- Go back to bed. It's been a long night, just-" There's a pause, and then footsteps run out of the common room, and I hear the portrait hall swing shut. It's Alle. Of course it is. As if she could manage keeping her nose out of somebody else's business for more than thirty seconds.

No, that wasn't fair. She only wants to help.

"Come on people, you heard her. Time to move on." James yells over my head, but I'm not really listening.

Crying now, I pull up my hands over my head and try to shut out the world, ignoring the arms around me, which I presume have to be Roxy's.

"Karen, that means you too."

My heart sinks. Not _her_. Not Karen Gold.

"Oh, I'm sorry James, I was under the impression that it was a free country." Or are we going back to the days of Muggle-born oppression?" As usual, she has a bitter comeback, one that you can't answer back without sounding like a racist. Karen had always known exactly how to get her way.

James sighs and turns back to me, helping Roxy to half drag me onto a chair by the fire. They don't question me, just sitting there in silence holding me as I cry until finally, Roxy speaks.

"Freddie?" She asks, bending forwards and softly lifting a dreadlock out of my face, "I have to go. It's one in the morning."

I screw my eyes shut tighter and putting my hands up over my face. "Go." I say quietly, my voice hoarse. "Please just leave me alone. I'm- I'm okay."

I know that they don't believe me for a second, but it seems to work. Roxy sighs and stands up, touching my head one last time before leaving the common room, and James stays where he is, silent again for a few minutes. "You want me to go too?" He stands up, and I can feel his eyes on me, even if mine are still closed.

I nod, and he leaves without complaint, I hear him heading off up the stairs to our dorm.

"Wow… that took less time than I expected." Says a quiet, sultry voice from nearby, "I expected them to be here all night."

Karen. Of course it is. How stupid was I to think that she would pass off a chance to make somebody else suffer?

"So you finally got around to telling her then?" She doesn't wait for a reply, "Sucks, doesn't it? Although I suppose it's for the best; can't wait until James gets to hear it though."

I don't move, not even giving her the satisfaction of knowing how much her words bite at me. "No I didn't." I mutter quickly, knowing that she'll soon get bored if I don't play along.

"You didn't? Then…"

I finally look up at to see her shaking her head, standing up from her chair and closing her book, flouncing across the room towards me with a smirk on her face.

"Sucks about the cancer, doesn't it?" She sits down on the arm of my chair, her smirk growing. "Oh well, can't be helped. It's is a shame though; I'm going to miss you." She strokes a hand down the side of my face gently and leans in close. "No really. I will."

My fists clench and anger surges through me. Why does she have to be such a bitch? I know what she's really referring to. "Karen drop it. It was one time and it was a mistake. You know that."

She laughs coldly, "Don't pretend you didn't enjoy it, Fred. I _know_ you did."

"SHOVE OFF KAREN!" I jump to my feet, glaring at her. "It was a _mistake_!"

He face drops a little, and it looks like the bite has dropped out of her. "Not the only thing that's a mistake I guess." Her hand drops down and she rubs her stomach gently, her eyes locking with mine.

No. I shake my head. "You're lying."

She gives me a sad smile. "I wish."

I swear loudly and bring hand up to my face. This can't be happening. It can't.

"What are you going to do?" I ask gently, clenching my jaw and trying my best to be sympathetic towards her.

"Well what can I do? As far as everybody else will be concerned, the baby belongs to Albus."

Albus. Of course. They were together for a week. One week. And I cheated on Lonnie and she cheated on Al.

"What's the matter with you? You're going to turn this on him? He's just a kid for god's sake." I burst; she can't do that to Al, he wouldn't be able to stand it.

"I can and will. Since you're not going to stick around to look after your own child then I'm going to need someone. Or would you rather I just told everyone about us? I'm sure that would improve the situation with Lonnie, and I just _know_ Albus and your other little cousins will be perfectly understanding." She rises to her feet, wearing that little smirk she always has when she knows that she's won.

"How do you know it isn't his anyway?" I ask viciously, determined to find some sort of flaw in her plans.

"I took a test Freddie." She shakes her head, "It's yours."

"And when the baby is born, you know, and Albus sees it… how are you going to explain that?"

I can see her confusion. "What- what do you mean?"

"I mean, Karen," I can't help letting out a small laugh at her naivety. "When the baby is born black?"

She pauses for a second, and then her face drops. "Well, uh, I didn't think about that."

I raise my eyebrows and sigh. "Karen, please, you can't do that to Al."

"And why not? Why do you care? You'll be gone by then anyway; it's not your problem." She snaps, glaring again.

"Because he's my cousin and I care about him." I answer viciously, "I wouldn't expect you to understand what means though, seeing as you're completely incapable of any compassion whatsoever."

"Fuck you Fred Weasley! Like I care what you think!" She half yells, stamping her foot. "In fact even if you weren't going to die I still wouldn't let you within 100 miles of our-"

She stops dead as the portrait hole swings open to reveal Alle, her eyes red and puffy. For a second she stands still, staring between us, and shaking her head. "Freddie... I need to talk to you." She stares daggers at Karen, "Alone."

Karen doesn't argue, muttering something under her breath and stalking off up the stairs to the 7th year girls common room.

"Freddie?" Alle gestures over towards a small sofa by the fire, but I shake my head.

"I'm not interested. I'm going to bed." I say quietly, avoiding her eyes.

She bites her lip, but doesn't protest.

Turning, I don't look back at her as I trudge up the steps to my dorm, blinking back tears. I've ruined Karen's life and there's nothing I can do about it.

I could give her money? I think, as I collapse down onto my bed, still fully clothed. I've been saving up since I was seven so that shouldn't be an issue, I have enough that she should be able to survive on her own for about a year if she uses it well.

And I'm sure Mum and Dad would help her out. Even after I was gone, my kid would still be a part of the family. Merlin, I can picture Mum's face finding out that she's going to be a Grandma.

Yeah, my parents have a lot of money, they can help her. I don't know much about Karen's parents. She only stays with them over the Summer holidays. I know that they're very religious Muggles who tried to kick her out when they found out that she's a wizard. I suppose no-one can blame her for being so bitter. If they really are that religios though, I can't see them responding well to the idea of her pregnancy.

Is it bad of me not to be entirely upset by the idea of her being pregnant? I mean, I've always wanted kids; not once have I ever doubted that, and It's something I get to leave behind. I won't just be forgotten. There'll be something to say, "Hey, Freddie was here." And that idea makes me more content than any meaningless comforts provided by my friends or family.

It's Karen's life though, and I can't imagine that she wants a child. I have no idea what Karen hopes to do in the future, but I'm pretty sure that raising my baby by herself wasn't it.

The incomprehensible guilt soaks through me, and I swallow, my mouth dry. Poor Karen. She might be a bitch, but she's a bitch who's been through a lot and doesn't deserve half of the crap she gets.

Still, the idea of what she plans to put Albus through sickens me, but what can I do about it? Subtly encourage him to make her take another test, just to make sure? That could work. He'll still have to go through a lot, but it's probably what's best.

Sighing, finally I shut my eyes and try to let sleep encompass me. Although with everything that's happened today, it doesn't come quickly, and I wake up long before dawn, lying still and listening to my dorm-mates breathing, seeing how peaceful they are and knowing that as soon as they wake up the peace will be shattered and they'll be back to reality.

Finally, I begrudgingly sit up and reach over to my bedside table, taking a piece of parchment, a quill and my potions book to lean against, and jotting down the title quickly, before closing my eyes.

It takes me two or three hours, but finally I'm done, and reasonably happy with my work. I scan back through it just to make sure, and smile. I probably shouldn't be smiling under the circumstances, but I am. I can't help it.

I glance at the clock; it's four-thirty in the morning, and I suppose that I can probably get in a couple of hours sleep before I have to get up. Closing my eyes, I manage to sleep peacefully for the first time in a month, my finished bucket list still clutched in my hands.

_**Fred's Bucket list**_

_1. Be there for the birth of my son_

_2. Play a game of Quidditch in the world cup stadium_

_3. Facial hair (preferably a moustache)_

_ to ride a motorbike_

_5. Get Hugo drunk_

_6. Ride a dragon_

_7. Rob a bank (Maybe not Gringotts, too big)_

_8. Get arrested_

_9. Dye Professor McGonagall's hair blue_

_10. Spend a day in Paris with Lonnie_

_11. See the Northern lights_

_12. Get a tattoo_

_13. Truth or dare with Veritaserum_

_14. Attend James and Alle's wedding_

_15. Make sure Roxy is happy_

_16. Tell Mum how great she was_

_17. Save someone's life_

_18. Take Lucy to see cats at the west end_

_19. Kiss every girl in my year_

_20. Have sex in the ocean_

_21. Teach Dad that it's ok to be Happy without me_

* * *

><p><strong>Hello everybody! Long time no see? Yeah, I know. As you'll probably know if you've been reading any of my other stories, I've been having a couple of real-life problems recently.<br>I had a close relative die of cancer, so that's why I kind of lost my taste for this story for a while, and why my writing might still be a little off now. I think I should be alright from now on though, and although some of this chapter may have been written drunk, I think it's okay?  
>Just out of interest, does anybody ship FreddieAlle? I just have to wonder because a lot of people in the RP did. If anyone does ship them (spoiler alert!) I can tell you that there will be a Freddie/Alle kissing scene at some point :D Also, speaking of the RP, even though they've given me the go-ahead to write this, I still feel like I've been stealing a lot of other people's ideas and plotlines and I think it's only fair that I offer up the RP home blog, just incase anybody wants to join. If you don't know what HPRPing is, then please feel free to message me and I can explain more, but I really really can recommend it if you like writing and have nothing to do with your free time other than looking at pictures of cats on the internet :)  
>So yeah, here we go: http[:] (It doesn't let me post proper links)<br>******This RP isn't exactly paragraph based though, and there's a lot more short one liner things, but everybody is just so lovely and it really is great if you want to waste away your life on the internet (like me!)  
><strong>****Also, I figured out how to find out how many hits your story gets in total, and I was absolutely amazed to find out that this one has 906 hits. Like bloody hell. Wow and thank-you to everybody who's reading. It really really does mean a lot to me.  
><strong>**Um, so yeah. I think that's it. Please do leave reviews, because I need feedback, and it makes me so happy when new reviews arrive. Like literally bouncing off the walls and stuff. So seriously, review review review :D  
>Thanks for reading, and like I said, reviews really really are appreciated.<br>From Hannah :)**

**Oh, I almost forgot. I'm working on getting like book cover thingys right now, so all of my stories should have pictures reasonably soon, and also, I don't know how many people know about this, but is planning to take down all stories with violence or sexual content etc. I don't think that this story would be affected, but certainly my other fanfictions, and many many other brilliant stories could potentially just disappear forever. It's a tremendous waste of talent, and I would urge everyone to sign the petition here to stop it because it's just such a waste and there are so many other ways of monitoring who gets to read what stories and etc. So yeah, here we are : http[:] petitions/fanfiction-net-stop-the-destruction-of-fanfiction-net (Again, it doesn't like links)  
>Although knowing my luck, my entire account will be suspended for telling you all that :  
>So yeah, here's to hoping I don't get banned.<strong>


	7. Chapter 6

**Turned to Dust**

**Chapter 6**

Breakfast the next day is a Nightmare. It's a Saturday, almost eleven o'clock, and all eyes are on me, especially from younger students and ones that I don't know. Lonnie doesn't even look up as I enter. I try not to look like it bothers me, but I can't help but keep glancing over at the Slytherin table as I shuffle over to James, keeping my head down. His eyes are a little red from the night before, but apart from that he seems to be resoundingly cheerful, grinning away as he asks me to pass him the cornflakes. Alle sits on the other side of him, making sure to smile widely whenever I look her way, but she keeps glancing over at Lonnie too. Up and down the Gryffindor table, I spot a few different people crying, but nobody I know very well. In fact there's a third year sat right over at the other end of the table practically bawling her eyes out, and I don't think I've ever spoken to her before in my life.

It seems like today house boundries have been abolished, and I'm surrounded by a troup of Weasleys, most of whom would normally be sat with their own house, plus Scorpius Malfoy and Lorcan Scamander. Scorpius with his arm draped around Rose, occasionally leaning in to give her a reassuring kiss, and Lorcan next to Roxy, watching her closely and touching her arm whenever he thinks it necessary. It'd be good for her to have someone like Lorcan around after I'm gone, to make sure that she's okay and look after her. They've known each other since she was twelve and she first got onto the Ravenclaw quidditch team. The two of them are an infallible pair, easily the best beaters in the school, and I know that Dad is more proud of her for that than he is of me for anything that I've ever done in my seventeen years. Still, at least Roxy seems to be reasonably okay when he's around.

"So, Freddie." James starts, elbowing me in the ribs and grinning, his mouth full of toast. "Quidditch match tomorrow. Gryffindor Vs. Slytherin." He glances over towards the Slytherin table and Lonnie, wearing that stupid grin that's only there for my benefit. "We've been training all year for this, they have no chance."

I shut my eyes. Quidditch? He's talking about Quidditch? That's his chosen topic of conversation? "I... I think I'm gonna have to sit this one out." I mumble, head down as if talking to my cereal rather than the boy beside me.

There's a small sigh from around us, and James put his hand on my shoulder. "C'mon, buddy, live a little! I'm sure if you ask them nicely Alle or Lysander'll send a bludger to knock that bitch off her broom for you."

I don't laugh, and neither does anyone else. There's a resounding silence along the table, and that combined with the glare that Alle gives James is enough that he drops his head and continues on with his toast, not looking up at the rest of us again.

"Nah." There's a short shaky laugh from the other side of the table. "Y-y-you guys have no ch-chance." Albus, head down as usual, stutters his way through the sentence, glancing up at me briefly, "We'll s-slaughter you. And she's not... she's n-not playing."

"Neither am I, if anyone cares to listen to what I have to say." I butt in, joining Albus in trying to lighten the mood.

"Oh come on, mate. We don't have anyone to sub, and even if we did they haven't done any training." It looks like James has found his tongue again, and the toast is gone, to be replaced by what looks like half a dozen peices of bacon.

"Lily could do it." I say quickly, looking hopefully over at James' sister, who evidently hasn't listened to one word of the conversation, and stares miserably down at her shreddies, swilling them around in the bowl. I don't think she's eaten one bite.

"Huh?" She glances up at her name and meets my eyes, hers filling with tears. "What am I doing?"

"Quidditch." I say quickly, "We need another chaser because I'm not supposed to play. You could do it."

By rights, Lily should already be in the team instead of me; she beat me by ten goals in this years tryouts, but of course with James being captain, it was already decided.

"No." James says bluntly. "There is no way she's getting out there on the field. Quidditch is a dirty game, she'll end up getting hurt."

A cry of protest comes up from around us, and Lily glares at her brother. "Push off James. I'm twice the chaser Freddie is, no offense."

I laugh. "None taken; it's true. Listen James, you've played quidditch with Lily tonnes of times, and she's never once gotten hurt. Even if she does, that's part of what it's about. She's tough, she'll be fine."

He still looks a little disgruntled.

"Please James? I mean, unless Rose wants to do it, then she's all we've got." I look over at Rose, who curls her nose up in the air and turns back to Scorpius.

"So that's settled then. Excellent." Lily beams, although I can see her lip still quivering a little.

There's a few minutes of silence, and I use it to try and gage how everyone is coping.

Dominique, who hasn't spoken, is sat with one arm around Louis. He looks like he wants to punch someone. James, Albus and Lily are putting on brave fronts, and I don't linger on Albus' face, thinking about how he looks now and how much worse things will be once Karen manages to get her claws into him. Poor kid. Rose looks okay, talking quietly with Scorpius and obviously trying to keep her mind on other things. Hugo, too, seems to be coping, just getting on with things; keeping his head down as he resolutely munches on his toast. Molly isn't eating, and although she's sat with the rest of us, there seems to be a kind of distance between herself and the rest of us. I get the feeling that she doesn't really want to be here, and her fleeting glances towards the doors tells me that she wants to be as far away from here -me- as possible, as soon as possible. Despite being a hufflepuff, she's always been an introvert. Kind, but she doesn't take it upon herself to speak in public, and she's a lot like Albus in that respect. The difference being that Molly doesn't like the company of others, Albus does, but can't help shying away from it, crippling shyness eating him up every time he's forced to speak out.

I glance up and down the table once more, and then over towards the far side of the Hall, where the Ravenclaw's sit. My brow furrows, and I quickly count the remaining Weasleys.

"Hey, Hugo." I say slowly, turning to him as he looks like the only Ravenclaw Weasley here capable of speech. "You don't know where Lucy is do you?"

The others, jerking themselved out of their conversations, start scouring the hall as I had.

"Um... No, I haven't seen her this morning. What about you, Dom?"

Dominique shakes her head.

I don't bother asking Roxy. It's unlikely that she'll hear me; she's lost in her own little world, staring obsolitely down at the table, apparently oblivious to Lorcan's hand resting against her arm. Apart from her, Dom and Hugo are the only Ravenclaws sat around me, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

"Hugo, I don't suppose once you've finished your breakfast you could take me up to your common room?" I ask quickly, becoming more concerned about Lucy's whereabouts by the second, "I want to go and see if she's in her dorm; I'm worried about her."

He nods, and drops his one remaining peice of toast back onto his plate. "We can go now if you want, I'm done here."

I nod and stand. I hadn't really planned on eating anyway; however well I clean my teeth, the taste of vomit always remains until noon at the earliest, making it impossible to eat.

I don't look back as I walk away, but I can hear an audible sigh from the Gryffindor table. I can guess that the minute my back was turned the carefree smiles had dissipated into a grim acceptance of reality.

We don't speak as we head up the stairs towards Ravenclaw tower. A few times Hugo looks as if he's about to speak, but as soon as he catches my eye his mouth shuts and he averts his gaze. Eventually it becommes obvious that one of us is going to have to speak. I bite the bullet.

"Hugh... Are you okay?"

He stops walking a few paces ahead of me in the corridor. I can only see the back of his head, and I'm pretty certain I don't want to see his expression. To my immense relief, and disappointment, he doesn't turn, and after a few seconds of silence, he starts walking again, as if nothing had ever even happened. I stay still, my heart racing. What was that? What did that even mean? And that silence; there had been something really, really wrong with that silence. It wasn't ordinary silence, it was something more. Something indescribable to someone who hasn't heard it before. The only way I can describe it is when you turn on the radio and it isn't tuned properly. The silence I experienced was like white noise; essentially empty, but full of tiny biting harmonies that knaws at the inside of your mind and begin to pull apart the slim fabric that is reality, whatever reality is to you at any given time. It occurs to me as I scurry on after Hugo, my pulse returning to the norm, that the silence wasn't silence at all; it was death, and death's lingering presence in the air even though it hasn't quite pounced yet. I'm sure that that silence must have been a sound that Dad became quite familiar with in the time immediately after the death of his brother and my namesake. I feel a chill rising up my spine and goosebumps stand up along my arms. I walk faster, as fast as I can go without overtaking Hugo and having to see his face.

It takes an eternity to reach Ravenclaw tower, and even as Hugo answers the question easily, I'm not really paying attention to his existence any more. He points me up a flight of stairs and I traipse slowly up them, trying to remember exactly what I was doing here in the first place. The illusion of forgetfullness shatters, however, as I push open the door at the top of the stairs to reveal Lucy.

She's the only person in the room, and I'm sure that if she wasn't then somebody would have owled for St. Mungo's by now. The sounds of raw pain eminiating from her as she sobs rival even the chilling silence between me and Hugo in the corridor, and never before have I heard such pain, such anger and such sadness expressed, than in the sobs of the frightened and lonely schoolgirl. She's curled up in a ball at the end of her bed with her face buried in her knees, and to my dismay, a very nearly empty liquor bottle is clutched in one of her hands, although how much she's dunk and how much is spilled into the pool of mixed alcohol and vomit she now sits in is anyone's guess.

"Fuck, Lucy." I exclaim, rushing across the room and tearing the bottle from her hands. She lets out a feeble moan of protest, but at least that noise is something other than her sobs.

I race over to the bathroom and pour the remaining liquor down the sink, vaguely recognising it as gin. How old is Lucy? Fourteen? Thirteen!? At this point I don't think it matters either way. And where the hell are her dorm-mates?! I remember Lucy mentioning something about a test on Monday, so they must have gotten up early to get in extra revision. How could they just leave her here by herself? And where do you get alcohol from anyway? One of the more rebellious girl in this dorm must have had it somewhere, because not for a second do I believe that it belongs to Lucy.

Snapping out of my thoughts, angry at myself for having become distracted, I sprint back over to Lucy and crouch down beside her. "Luce?" I say slowly and loudly, slapping her face gently, "Can you hear me?"

She moans, and her eyes open halfway, unfocused and bleary. "Lucy!" I growl, much more loudly this time, "Lucy you need to wake up. It's me, It's me, Freddie."

At the sound of my name her eyes twitch again, but she's still unresponsive. Kneeling down, I slap her face again, shaking her and yelling. This time her eyes open.

"F-Freddo?" She asks blearily, her heands reaching out to try and touch me, ridiculously unco-ordinated. "Freddo is that really you?"

I don't think he's even fully conscious, and as her hands finally find my hoodie I lean down, towards her, wiping away her tears gently. "Yes, Lucy, it's me, and I need you to get up now. I need you to get up, for me. Please."

Her eyes flicker closed again, and I think she's lapsed back into unconsciousness when she leans forwards and vomits spectacurlarly onto my lap. I don't have time to marvel at how absolutely disgusting that is. "Okay, time to get up now." I grip her tightly under the armpits and manage to haul her to her feet, half dragging her to the bathroom, placing her down onto the floor, and holding back her hair as she throws up into the toilet a few more times. Once she's done, I straighten up, reaching for the shower and turning it on, switching the heat down as low as it will go. She's still wearing her pyjamas, but they're so soaked in vomit that there's not much point worrying about them being ruined. Grabbing her under the armpits again I drag her to her feet, relieved that she seems to be capable of holding a little of her own weight by now.

I point at the shower. "In."

She moans feebly, trying to pull away from me, but there's no use. She so unco-ordinated, and it's obvious that she doesn't even have the strength to fight properly. There's no more protesting as I guide her over the edge of the shower-bath and shove her under the frezing jet of water, and she drops her head to her chest, eyes closed once more. I give her a few minutes, waiting until she's shivering all over, her teeth chattering.

"F-F-Freddie. It's f-freezing." She stutters, her arms clutched around herself.

Without a word, I shut off the water and grab a warm towel and hold it out to her, reasonably satisfied that she can function well enough by herself now. She wraps it around her shoulders and steps out of the shower. By the way she avoids my eyes I can tell that she's sobered up and is waiting for a scolding. I leave her where she's stood, moing out into the room and pulling out my want, pointing it at the mass on the floor and muttering, "Scourgio." It's not perfect, and there's stain on the carpet, but it'll have to do. I head back towards the bathroom and Lucy.

"Get dressed." I order her coldly, pointing out into the dormitory, "I'm going to give you five minutes while I clean up this mess."

She doesn't acknowledge me, but keeps her head down and does as I say, shutting the door behind her. I clean the mess up easily, pull off my vomit stained hoodie and sit down on the edge of the bath. I'm shaking with rage. What the fuck is wrong with her? Does she think I need this right now? Having to clean up her mess and shower her like a baby? Nevermind what it felt like to find her like that. She could have died for Merlin's sake.

Cutting off the last two minutes of her changing time, I pull open the bathroom door and find her sat fully dressed on the edge of her bed, her head hanging.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" I bellow, surprising even me. "DO YOU THINK THERE'S SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT GETTING DRUNK AND NEARLY KILLING YOURSELF?! WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HADN'T COME IN HERE?! HOW WOULD YOU HAVE LIKE IT IF ONE OF YOUR DORM-MATES FOUND YOU?! WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD HAVE DONE?! WOULD THEY HAVE KNOWN HOW TO DEAL WITH YOU?! I CAN'T- I CAN NOT_ BELIEVE_ YOU WOULD EVER DO ANYTHING SO FUCKING STUPID!"

A silent tear rolls down her cheek, but I can't bring myself to feel any empathy for her.

"WHAT, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR PITY NOW?! BECAUSE I CAN ASSURE YOU, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIND IT IN ME. IS THIS ALL SOME KIND OF BIG JOKE TO YOU THAT YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GET DRUNK, AND THEN COUSIN FREDDIE WILL SHOW UP AND TAKE CARE OF EVERTYTHING?! YOU TELL ME, LUCY, WHAT WAS RUNNING THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU DECIDED TO DRUNK THAT STUFF! THE_ FUCK_ IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

She snuffles, and breaks out into quiet sobs, refusing to reply.

"LUCY WEASLEY YOU ANSWER ME THIS INSTANT."

Something in my tone tells her that it's not wise to disobey me any longer, and she looks up, her eyes wet with tears. "Y-you were going to- And I didn't want to- And Jessie told me that it would make me feel better and- And I d-don't know. I'm sorry." She drops her head again, more tears splashing down.

For a moment I stay silent, contemplating what to say next. I don't know whether I should be comforting her, or screaming at her for her stupidity.

"And just because Jessie says something, that makes it right?" I ask, my voice much softer now, "Lucy, you're smart enough to understand that alcohol is not the answer to your problems. It'll only make you more miserable. Yeah sure it can be fun when you're with your friends, and it's a party and you just want to take the edge off things. And nobody's really been a teenager without spending the end of an evening throwing up your vodka, but that isn't the point. What you did was reckless and stupid, and you have no excuse for it. If you have to drink, then at least don't do it alone. That's the worst thing you can ever do. Please, Lucy, promise me." I'm still telling her off, but the bite has gone out of my voice. I can tell that, if anything, this is upsetting her even mre than my shouting. A little guilty, I drop down next to her on the bed, sitting beside her and staring down at my knees. "I'm sorry, I just- You have no idea how scared I was back then. I didn't mean to shout."

She nods slowly, but doesn't look up at me. I know what she must be going through, along with everyone else I care about and cares about me, but I can't help thinking about the sheer stupidity of it all.

"Listen, Luce. I know things are hard, and you're scared, everyone is, but I need you to promise you're not going to do anything like this again. No drinking by yourself. Do whatever you like with your friends, but never ever by yourself. It's dangerous and irresponsible." I know I'm going on now, but what happens if next time I'm not around to help her? What happens if she keeps drinking? This time she hadn't drunk enough to cause her serious harm, but there is no way in hell I'm going to let there be any chance of it happenning again.

She nods once more, and tentatively I put my arm around her, pulling her up into a hug. He buries her face into my chest and starts to cry again, weeping into my shirt. I can feel the wetness of her tears on my skin. "Hey, it's okay." I hug her a little more tightly, but her sobs only escalate. "I'm here, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." I realise as soon as the words leave my mouth that they were a stupid thing to say. Whilst I was only speaking about the short term, perhaps a few hours ahead, the words would obviously have a completely different meaning to Luce.

"B-But you are." Her voice breaks, and she clings on to me desperately. I can see how scared she is. "You're going to just leave us all and y-you can't. I can't do it without you. I'll- I'll-"

I put a finger up to her lips, not wanting to find out exactly what she'll do without me. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here now."

This, apparently, is not a comfort for her, and she bursts into even more frenzied sobs. "Please, Lucy. Please don't cry. I know things are going to be difficult, but I'm not scared, and you shouldn't be either."

It doesn't sound convincing, and if I were Lucy, I know I wouldn't be reassured. The poor kid's got to be scared out of her wits. I try to switch things around in my mind and imagine a world in which I find out I'm going to lose Lucy. I can't do it; even the idea brings tears to my eyes. "Lucy Weasley." I say quietly, touching her chin to tilt her head up so that I can see her face properly, "Queen Lucy of the Eastern Sea." I'm 67% percent sure that Susan is actually Queen of the Eastern Sea, but I don't think she's going to notice. "Lucy Lou." I take a pause, shutting my eyes and trying to think of what the hell I can say to her. "I know this is all horrible, and I'm just as scared as you are, but I'm going to look after you, and I'm going to make sure that you'll be okay, whatever it takes. Death couldn't stop me from looking out for you." I grin. "Any guy ever hurts you, I'll be there. I'm gonna haunt his ass till he's sorry he ever heard the name Weasley. Anyone starts picking on you, I'll be there. I'll make sure those sons of bitches gets what they deserve."

She laughs disjointedly, and I sigh, hugging her again. "C'mon Lucy, just get some sleep. I don't envy you when you wake up, but I'll make sure that there's someone here to look after you."

She nods and climbs up onto the bed, crawls along it and gets under the covers. I walk over to where she lays and smile down at her, trying to give her some kind of reassurance.

"Can't you be here when I wake up?" Her voice is pitiful, and I bend down to kiss her forehead gently.

"No, I'm sorry. I have things to do. I'll stay here till you fall asleep though."

That doesn't take long to happen, and within two miutes she's snoring loudly, head tilted back and her mouth open. Normally I would be taking a few pictures with which to blackmail her later on, but this really, really isn't the time for that, and I dismiss the idea.

Making one last check of the bathroom for any vomit I missed, I snatch up my hoodie and throw it into the nearest bin. It's spoiled anyway, and I hardly want something to remind me of what's just happened. As I head down the stairs, I encounter a gaggle of young girls around Lucy's age. They shut up the minute they realise who I am, their expressions suddenly shy and pitying.

"Which one of you is Jesse?" I demand angrily, my voice full on venom.

There's a mumbling amongst the group, and eventually a tall dark haired girl is pushed forwards. I wouldn't have guessed her to be a third year, and she's exceedingly pretty, obviously the leader of this gang. Her expression tells me that of all of her friends, she's the least ready to pity me; if I don't affect her life, I don't matter. Immediatly I dislike her.

"You gave Lucy Gin." It isn't a question, and for the first time she betrays a little unease, her expression flickering.

"So?" Her voice is affrontive.

"So she nearly drunk herself to death because of it."

The girl -Jessie- shrugs. "Not my problem."

"It will be your problem when I report you for distributing alcohol to students. And who's word do you think they'll believe? Yours, or mine? You've already proved your stupidity today, so lets not test it further, shall we?" I smile at her, my eyes narrowing, "You're going to apologise to Lucy, and you're going to hand in any other alcohol you might have to me. None of you-" I look around at the group of girls, "-is to disturb her now, while she's sleeping, and if I find out of any of you have so much as glanced in her direction I can make life very, very difficult for you."

They all look taken aback, and Jessie seems to be lost for words. Not that I really care. I focus back on her.

"You can come with me and hand in ALL of your alcohol. And trust me, I'll know about it if you try to hide any. Then you can run off and join your other little friends; go make daisy chains or whatever it is third years do when they're not busy trying to kill each other."

My cutting remarks seem to get through, and I glance at my watch. "As for the rest of you, I want you to leave Lucy alone for seven hours. That'll give you most of the day to finish off your homework and frolic amongst your daisy chains, etcetera." I flick my hand at them, gesturing that it's time for them to go and find something else to do. They file off back down the stairs, and I'm left facing a very sullen looking Jessie; obviously she isn't used to not getting what she wants. "Lead the way." I smile, turning and stepping backwards to let her walk past and into the dormitory. We don't speak as she fishes around under her bed, in her trunk and in the bathroom cabinet to find all of the beer, vodka, cider, whiskey, gin, and pretty much every other kind of alcohol you could name. As she hands me the bottes, I shove them into my rucksack, thankful that today I chose to use the bag Aunt Hermione gave me for christmas, with the extension charm; there's no way all of those bottles would have fit into a normal rucksack.

My brow furrows a little as I watch the girl, she's barely even a child; why does she need to drink? I can understand Lucy's reasons, but what about Jesse? If I didn't know better I would probably think that she was just a straight up bitch, but then if I hadn't known about Karen's life, I would most likely have presumed that about her too. "Where did you get this stuff?" I ask, acting impressed, as if in awe of her. "Surely not just the kitchens."

It seems to work, and she glows as she pulls the last few bottles of beer out from behind a statue of Rowena Ravenclaw. "Hogsmeade, and I stock up during the holidays, mostly from Muggle shops and stuff. I have a fake ID."

For a second I nod, almost approvingly, and casually hold out my hand. "Good, I'll take that too then." I add, smiling sweetly.

She curses, and finds it in her trunk, begrudgingly handing it over. "That cost me fifty quid."

I shrug, pretending that I have the faintest idea what a 'quid' is. Some kind of fish?

"Anything else that you think you might regret not handing over if I ever find out about it?"

She shakes her head. I think she's lying, but honestly I don't have the energy to care any more.

"Good. Now get out and go find your friends."

She scurries off, and I hear the giggles as she reaches the other Ravenclaw girls, and wait until their voices have faded before leaving down the stairs, with one last glance back at Lucy.

I find Dom exactly where I expect her to be; the library, and she smiles at me when I walk in.

"Hey." Her voice is so close to being cheerful that it hurts to listen to it, and I turn my face away slightly so I don't have to look her in the eye. "What's up?"

"Lucy got drunk. She threw up a few times, and I made her take a cold shower. She's asleep now." I sound so blunt, and I worry that I might come off cold. I know how sensitive Dom is, and I don't want her to think that I'm angry at her.

"What?" She jumps to her feet. "Why the hell was Lucy drunk? She's fourteen! Is she okay?"

"She's fine." I say, in what I hope is a calming tone. "She's asleep. I need you to wake her up at about eight this evening. I don't her waking up to a dormitory full of her bitchy room-mates with the hangover she'll have. Just look after her for a few hours and then let her go to bed. But tell her that she needs to meet me in the Entrance hall tomorrow morning at nine. She can't be late."

Slowly, and still looking unsure, she sinks back down to her seat. "O-okay?"

"Thank-you Dom. I really appreciate it. I would do it, but I just need to go and get some some things, and you can get into her Dorm and everything." I smile at her, trying to show how appreciative I am. "Thank-you."

She nods, smiling back, and I turn on my heel, walking towards the door.

"Hey, Freddie."

I turn back to face her, wearing my best smile. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" She tilts her head to the side, looking concerned.

I break into a grin, adopting the solution of rest of the family at breakfast. Just smile and pretend like everything's okay.

"I'm great." I tell her, "Seriously Dom, don't worry about me. I'm okay."

She nods, but I don't think I've conviced her. Still, there's only so much time in the world. As much as it sucks, you can't be there for everyone at every second. When you only have so much time, you learn to use ot wisely.

Walking a little faster than I normally would, I head out of the library, trusting my feet to be able to find their own way to Professor McGonagall's office.

It occurs to me just as I'm approaching that I don't know the password, but that turns out not to be a problem. Just as I slow to a halt she appears around the end of the corridor, striding towards me with her heels clicking, a stack of books in her arms.

"Ah, Mister Weasley." She gives me a curt smile, stopping just in front of where I stand. "What can I do for you today?"

I smile back, although I notice she seems to be looking me up and down worriedly. "Well, miss, I was wondering if it would be possible for me to take Lucy out for the day tomorrow. It's a Sunday, so we won't miss out on any school work, or homework time, because it's the Quidditch match so we wouldn't be working anyway. It's just she's not... coping well, and I wanted to give her a break. I totally get it if you say no, but-"

"Fred." She cuts me off, "Of course you two can have the day off tomorrow, but since Lucy's underage you'll need written permission from her parents. If you can get a reply from Percy or Audrey before tonight, I can't see it being any problem at all." She smiles, "I was going to advise you to check the owlery anyway. I've been told you've been a little lax in answering your mail recently, and there's a quite a stack building up."

I almost swear, turning and running a hand through my hair. I conpletely forgot about Mum and Dad. Holy crap, how much must they have sent me? I can just picture Dad back home going frantic. I never usually answer my post anyway, not since they abolished having it arrive during breakfast. Although, to be fair if I were Professor Slughorn with owl shit in my coffee, I think I would probably have fought pretty hard to get it banned too.

"Okay." I say quickly, eyes wide. "I'll owl them. I just- I'm sorry Professor I have to go. Thank-you. I just- Thanks. Bye."

I rush off down the corridor, able to physically feel McGonagall's worried eyes looking after me.

Luckily the Owlery is empty when I arrive, and I navigate through the small, dirty rooms to find the sign 'Gryffindor', and then 'Seventh years'. Once owls couldn't come at breakfast any more, they pretty quickly figured out a system where each student has there own pidgeon-hole for letters to go into. You find them by house, and then year. I imagine that the people who come often will learn their way around the new building, but I never really bothered with that, so it takes me a while to eventually find the room with my pigeon hole. I know which one it is as soon as I enter the room though.

It's stuffed with letters; they spill out onto the floor, and you can see where a few have been trampled by other students trying to get to their own post. Trembling just a little, I bend down and pick up one of the un-trampled ones. It's Dad's hand-writing.

I'm half way through opening it when my fingers start to shake so much that I drop it to the floor. Staggering a few steps backwards, I stare at it in horror. I don't want to read it. I know that's a horrible thing to say, but I really, really don't. The idea of reading Mum and Dad begging me to come home scares me more than anything else in the world. I can't do it. I'll owl them tomorrow, or the day after maybe, if I'm going to be with Lucy tomorrow.

I'm a crap son. Apart from Roxy and, perhaps, Lonnie, they'll be the ones that are suffering the most. Sure, Lucy isn't taking it well, but I'd bet anything that she's feeling a hell of a lot better than Dad is right now. And then, Dad is the obvious one, because of what happened to Uncle Fred; he'll feel like it's happening all over again, but what about Mum? She's always been such a rock, but she's not infallible, or immortal. She can get hurt just like the rest of us. I guess most other people see there parents as these perfect people, who know exactly how to deal with everything, but it's never been quite like that for me. For Mum, yes, but I've always known how emotionally unstable Dad is. Oh Merlin. I can feel tears welling up, but I force myself to shove them back. I start to mutter under my breath. "No, Freddie. No, you can do this. You can do it, just stay strong, you can-"

A hand lands on my shoulder, and I look up, just as the first tear spills over.

"Freddie?"

It's Ted- Professor Lupin, and he doesn't look surprised to find me here.

I drop my head down, more tears falling.

"Here." He gives my shoulder a squeeze. "Go on up to your dorm and take a break. Read, sleep, or something. I'll owl Lucy's parents and get permission for you. Go on, it's okay."

I nod, not caring about how he knows that that's what I'm here to do. He probably bumped into McGonagall or something.

"But I need to-"

He shakes his head. "Owl them tomorrow, they'll be fine. It's you that you should be worrying about. Go on, it'll be fine."

"O-okay." I head on out of the Owlery, wiping my eyes and not looking up until I've reached my empty dorm.

* * *

><p>"You ready to go?"<p>

The entrance hall is pretty much flooded with students trying to get out to the Quidditch pitch early and nab the best seats. I'm stood by myself at the side of the doors, praying that Dom remembered to tell Lucy.

Merlin knows how she'll be feeling, she might still be a bit hung over. I don't know what we'll do if she is, a hangover will probably not help her to enjoy what I've planned out for her today.

No, Dom told her. There she is, fighting her way through the throngs of students to get to me. She looks fresh faced, her hair pulled up into a ponytail and her cheeks red.

"Hey." She smiles nervously, and I realise immediately what the problem must be. She thinks I want to tell her off again now that she's sober.

"Lucy!" I grin and sweep her up into a hug, smiling at her. "How are you feeling?" I pull a face, sympathetic.

She nods, hugging me back. "I'm okay. I thought I'd feel awful, but I'm fine."

I grin again, and then get the sense that I'm actually creeping her out a little.

"Listen, Luce." My voice softens, "I'm sorry for shouting at you yesterday. You didn't deserve it, and I should have tried to understand. I know how difficult things must be."

She's tearing up, and I don't want her to cry in the middle of the entrance hall, so taking her hand, I lead her outside the castle, separating from the other students and walking down in the direction of Hagrid's hut, and more importantly, the path leading to Hogsmeade.

As soon as we're out of sight of the other students, Lucy bursts into tears. She wraps her arms around my waist and buries her face into my chest.

"Luce..." I sigh, hugging her back softly, stroking her hair. "I know. I know."

"I d-d-didn't mean to make you angry, I'm s-so sorry. P-Please y-you have to forgive me, you can't h-hate me..."

Her voice trails off, and I can feel her trembling. I think my heart is about to give out. Surely that's not what she means.

"Lucy! Lucy don't be silly of course I- Of course-" I detatch her arms from around me and crouch down in front of her so that we can be face-to-face, holding her hands and staring into her eyes, "You're allowed to be upset, and you're allowed to go out and do stupid things; you're human for Merlin's sake. I can't forgive you because there is nothing for me to forgive. There is not one single second of my life that I have ever hated you and there never will be. Lucy... It's okay."

I reach up and wrap my arms around her, letting her lean into my shoulder and cry herself out. It takes around ten minutes, and a few more murmured comforts from me, but eventually she quietens and pulls away, looking at me with bloodshot eyes.

"I th-thought you hated me." Her voice is plaintive and quiet, and she looks in danger of bursting into tears again, so I give her another quick hug.

"I could never hate you, Luce. Are you okay?"

She pauses for a second or two, and then nods. I don't believe her, but it's probably the best I'm going to get, so I move on.

"C'mon, we need to hurry up, we don't want to miss it." I grin mysteriously, trying to get her mind onto something else.

It works, and she stands up, a hint of a smile on her lips. "Miss what? Where are we going?"

I wink, staring off again down the path. "No time for talking, don't want to miss it."

"Freddie!" She laughs and gives me shove, but follows after me.

* * *

><p>*crack*<p>

We land, and she lets go of my hand and looks around her. "Fred where are we? And... should you even be apparating?"

She looks worried, and I give her a reassuring smile, ignoring her first question. "I'm fine, don't worry about me. And don't call me Fred."

Laughing and apologising, she looks around us. We're on a busy high street, the kind you would find in any major city. It's raining, but nevertheless we're surrounded by tourists and businessmen, shoving roughly past us to get to wherever they want to go. People with no idea of the magical world, or of me. They don't know my story, and I don't know theirs. All these people with lives and families. I'll never know any of them, and they'll never even give me a second glance. It doesn't look like Lucy is sharing in my philisophical wonders though, she seems to be more interested in a nearby kiosk. She walks up to it slowly, picking up a postcard and staring at it, her mouth moving along with the words as she reads them.

She spins around, whole face lit up. "London?! You've brought me to London?! Oh my Goodness Freddie thank-you SO MUCH!" She jumps up and down, throwing her arms around my neck. "Thank-you thank-you thank-you!"

I grin at her, hugging her back quickly, then reaching into my pocket. "Hey, c'mon. We're not here to see the sights." I hand her over the thin peice of paper and wait for her to read it, grinning even more widely thinking about what her reaction will be.

She covers her mouth and looks up at me, and the pure ecstasy on her face is enough to make me laugh out loud. "That's right. Two tickets to see your favourite west end musical in your favourite city with your favourite person."

I pause, still watching her face, simply taking joy from her joy. "That's right. Cats."

She lets out a strangled noise half way between a shriek and a sound that might be made by a dying whale.

"F-Freddie..."

"I know. I know."

She jumps in the air, and starts speed walking down the street. "Come on, we have to go, we can't miss it, we can't!"

She's half way down the street when she turns around and realises that I'm not following. I've taken another peice of paper out of my pocket, and am hurriedly crossing out one line of writing.

"Hey!" She calls back, her face still lit up, "You coming?"

"What? Yes." I shove the paper and pen back into my pocket and run to catch her up. "You ready?"

She grins up at me. "Yeah."

1. Be there for the birth of my son  
>2. Play a game of Quidditch in the world cup stadium<br>3. Facial hair (preferably a moustache)  
>4. Learn to ride a motorbike<br>5. Get Hugo drunk  
>6. Ride a dragon<br>7. Rob a bank (Maybe not Gringotts, too big)  
>8. Get arrested<br>9. Dye Professor McGonagall's hair blue  
>10. Spend a day in Paris with Lonnie<br>11. See the Northern lights  
>12. Get a tattoo<br>13. Truth or dare with Veritaserum  
>14. Attend James and Alle's wedding<br>15. Make Roxy the best God-damned pianist there ever was  
>16. Tell Mum how great she was<br>17. Save someone's life  
>19. Kiss every girl in my year<br>20. Have sex in the ocean  
>21. Teach Dad that it's ok to be Happy without me<p>

* * *

><p><strong>I was banking on it letting me cross things out :(<br>It won't let me cross things out.  
>Why? Why?!<br>No I'm going to sulk now.  
>Okay so I lied but I wish I could have done a strikethrough.<br>Instead I just deleted number eighteen (Take Lucy to see Cats at the West End), from the list, but imagine that there's a strikethrough.  
>Okay so anyway, moving on, the chapter:<br>I've now planned out the whole of the rest of the story, so I promise that it's not going to end up like my other story, Beloved, where I get to a certain point where I look up and think; what? what am I doing? What is life? Who are these people I am describing I don't remember that girl, what?  
>Yeah, generally things don't go so good when I don't plan.<br>With Lucy, she's very emotionally unstable, and I don't know if anyone's shocked by the idea of a fourteen year old getting drunk, but I'm fifteen, and I'm practically an alcoholic. It's terrible, it really is. In England the legal drinking age is eighteen, which means it's slightly more acceptable than it would be in the USA or etc. NOT that I'm endorsing underage drinking because that would really be bad and I'm not supposed to do that.  
>Okay. Shut up Hannah.<br>Anyway, last time I tried to give you a link to the Role-play that this was based on, and apparently it didn't go so well. I'm too lazy to go back and re-do it, so this should help you find it: anothergenerationrp is the name of the blog, and then you add .tumblr onto the end of that, and then you add .com onto the end of that. Sorry for having to write it out so stupidly :/**

**Also! I've been doing a bit of work on my tumblr page, and I've written out my dreamcast for this story. The name of my tumblr is talljake-takemeaway. I'll leave you to figure out how to do the whole .tumblr and the .com thing.  
>Yeah, basically I'm the kind of person who'll advertise their own fanfiction on tumblr. I know. Leave me be :(<br>**

**Anyway, I'm half way through writing the next chapter of Kiss Goodbye, one of my other stories, and then I'll be going back and writing the whole of the rest of Beloved before the next chapter of this comes. So it might be a while.  
>So if this is the only story of mine that you read, then I'll see you whenever. It'll definitely be within the month though. If it isn't then you have my permission to come to my house and kick my butt.<br>With that happy thought I'll leave you.  
>Reviews are always appreciated. Seriously. I love feedback and constructive criticism, it's definitely welcome.<br>Apart from that, thank-you for actually taking the time to read my story. Cyber hugs to everyone.  
>Love,<br>Hannah :D**


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

_Mum and Dad,_

_Hi. It's me. It's Freddie. Yeah, Dad, Freddie. Not Fred. My name is Freddie. Because however much you want me to be him, I'm not. I never will be. I just don't think you understand what you do to me sometimes. It kills me, it really does, because I so want to be him and I can't. I can't. As much as you need me to be him, I can't. It kills me, Dad, it really does. All my life I have tried so hard to do what you want me to do. I've worked in the shop, I've pulled pranks, I even wrote back to McGonagall and returned my prefect badge because I didn't want you to be upset. I have spent my whole life lying because of you and it fucking hurts. It fucking hurts, Dad. You're supposed to be the one that tells me what to do with my life and that it's okay to be whoever I want. Why did you have to give me this stupid name? Why did you have to go and try to turn me into something you don't have any more. I am your son, and I am going to die. It's ironic really. You always wanted me to be more like Uncle Fred._

_No. No. Oh shit, I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't meant to write that. I'm so so sorry. But... You need to man up. Mum needs you. Roxy needs you. I need you. Please. Once I'm gone, you're going to have to step up and get your shit together because Mum is not going to be able to look after you. She's going to be in exactly the same position as you so you can't just go back into that state you were in after Fred. Mum's told me about it so I know. You can't do it Dad. You can't. You owe it to me not to do that. You owe it to them not to do that._

_Mum: I love you, okay? You're brilliant, and I can't even explain how grateful I am for everything you've ever done for me. You're my rock, and you're a brilliant Mum. I'm so sorry for not writing earlier, but i've been really busy. I've written this list, see. A bucket list. Everything I want to do before. That's what I've taken to calling it now: before and after. I don't get to see the after, but that's okay, because I'm not sad any more, and you don't have to be either. Of course I'm disappointed, and I'm angry and I'm scared, but I'm not sad. Please don't be sad because of me._

_I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, actually. I suppose it's hard not to think in my circumstances, but I have been thinking a lot. I think a lot of things, not all of them positive, but mostly I think that I want to do something good with my life. I want to do something that says 'hey, I was here', and 'I did some good in the world before I had to leave it'. But the thing is, I've done something really, really shitty. I've ruined somebody's life. It was one mistake and now everything is falling to shit. if anyone had even the faintest idea of what I've done they would all hate me. Nobody would ever be able to forgive me. I'm too selfish. I'd rather let somebody else suffer than risk my family hating me at a time like this? Is that selfish? Some people might argue that it's just human. Either way, somebody is going through hell right now because of me. because I'm too much of a fucking wimp to face up to what I've done._

_So what do I do? What do I fucking do? I just want things to be okay, Mum. I want things to be back to the way they were, before everything. I wish so, so much that I wasn't going to die and I could just stand up and tell people the truth. I'd still hurt a lot of people, they'd still hate me, but I could live with that. We would be able to reconcile eventually. I'd make everyone see that I'm really, really sorry. They're family. They'd understand. But not in four months. Not in so little time. I don't want fake forgiveness for my sake, so I can die loved. I don't want pity, and I don't want fake love. I can't have that happen to me. I can't. Does that make me a bad person? What if the only mark I ever leave is a deep, jagged scar? I'm scared. I'm scared of living, and I'm scared of dying. I don't know who I am any more. I don't know if I can trust myself to do what I so know I should._

_I told everyone, by the way. Although I'm guessing you probably know that. Well, I didn't tell them. I sort of had a fight with Roxy. Sort of? No, it wasn't a sort of fight. It was a fight. She screamed it. She screamed it in the middle of her common room and so many people heard. I know she blames herself. I know she thinks it's her fault. I don't want her to think that. She's my sister. I love her. I love her just as much as I love you, and just as much as I love Dad, even though I might not act like it all the time._

_I'm sorry about this letter, by the way. I meant to write it to try and make both of you feel better but all I've managed to do is make you both cry and make Dad think I hate him. I don't, by the way. I don't hate Dad at all. Never for even one second have I hated Dad. Sure, I've resented him, and I've been so angry with him I could have cursed his stupid head off. But I don't hate him. I don't hate you Dad. Please tell him I don't hate him, because I know he'll have stopped reading by now I can't let him think I hate him._

_Oh Merlin, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't write this any more. There is so much I want to tell you both, and I can't find the way to voice even a word of it. I just... I can't. I'm so so sorry._

_I'll come home soon. I promise. I just have some more stuff I need to do here. I'm going to write to you. I'll write to you every day. I'm not just going to sit around and let my life go by any more, not doing the things I so know I should. I have four months left to live, and living is exactly what I intend to do with that time._

_I love, you Mum. And you, Dad._

_I'm sorry for being such a crap son._

_Freddie_

* * *

><p><strong>Okay. So as I sad down on the sofa tonight to watch Homeland with my family (oh. my. god. It was so dramatic, I was lie, holy shit. And when Carrie and the car and I genuinely screamed, like, fuck. And. And. And Dana. I'm in love with. We're going to get married and live on a houseboat. I swear it. We shall.) Anyway, as I sat <strong>down on the sofa tonight to watch Homeland with my family I realised "Fuck, I was meant to write Turned to Dust tonight". And so I wandered upstairs to my laptop, brought it down, and penned this little mini-chapter. I know, I know, I'm so lazy. But I did do something, and therefore no-one can criticise me. Of course if you want you really can criticise me because constructive criticism is a wonderful thing and I love nothing more than somebody telling me how crap I am because that way I can make it better and that idea makes me so happy. So please, constructively critify!<br>As well as that, reviews in general are love. What is better than knowing that someone will not only take the time to read my story, but will also waste their lives writing back to me and telling me what you think. I just love it. I LOVE it.  
>On another note, I know I always go on about my other stories, but I'm happy to announce that the first chapter of my rewrite of 'Beloved' has now been posted. It's as a new story, entitled 'My Beloved', because you're not allowed two stories of the same name, but yeah. That's out there if anyone wants to give it a read. You can find it here: s8762595/1/My-beloved  
><strong>******As I was saying before. Reviews, favouriting my stories, constructive criticism, they all just make me so unbelievably happy. So please, it's my exam week and I've been very good and revised for everything (haha, no) so don't you think you owe it to me to make me a bit happy? Thanks, though, just for reading, and I'm now definitely going to be posting a new chapter of one of my stories every week in a rota, and it'll say on my profile which one.  
>Oh, also, I'm working on making some new cover artwork for this story, something similar to the graphic I made for 'My Beloved'. If anyone has any ideas for what I can do for it, please don't hesitate to shoot me a message, either here on on my tumblr, which you can find through my profile as well.<br>Wow I talk too much.  
>Anyway, school tomorrow, and exams, so I'll be heading to bed now, but yeah, thank-you for reading this much of my story, and I hope you have a really, really great day.<br>Hannah :)****


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

It's almost four in the morning, on the twelfth of February, when I wake up in agony.

I roll over onto my front, swearing and vomiting noisily over the side of the bed. I scream, rolling back onto my back and crying out, tears streaming down my cheeks as I clutch at my side, writhing.

It hurts.

Moving hurts.

Breathing hurts.

Thinking hurts.

Bright lights explode behind my eyes, and I release a scream of utter agony.

"FREDDIE."

I hear the yells, but I don't take them in. They're separate to me. They don't matter. Nothing matters outside of the pain.

"DO SOMETHING."

"DO WHAT?"

"STUN HIM. KNOCK HIM OUT. I DON'T CARE. HE'S IN PAIN MAKE IT STOP."

I roar, rolling sideways again and falling from the bed, landing on the cold floor, my face splashing into something hot and wet. My sick.

As if there's time for me to be disgusted. I'm screaming again, striking out with my fists at an invisible enemy, my entire vision blood red.

"POMFREY." I screech. "POMFREY."

She's the only person I can think of. Maybe she can help. Maybe she can make the pain go away. Maybe she can make it end.

Hands clutch around me. I'm lifted back onto the bed. More pain.

There's more yelling, more voices. They seem to build up and build up until I can't take it anymore. Someone grabs hold of my hands, pinning me down and stopping me from thrashing around.

"FREDDIE. FREDDIE LISTEN TO ME. CHRIS HAS GONE FOR POMFREY, SHE'LL BE HERE SOON I PROMISE EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY. I PROMISE FREDDIE."

It's James. His voice is thick with tears.

I think that's what brings me back to my senses; James voice. I stop, holding myself utterly still. Maybe if I stay still it'll hurt less.

It doesn't.

My breathing turning shallow, I screw my eyes tightly shut. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the end.

"James." I croak. "Hurts. Hurts."

His breath hitches. "I-I know. But it's going to stop, I swear. Pomfrey's going to be here soon, she'll fix it, she'll-"

I cut him off with another blood-curdling scream, wrenching my hands away from his and pounding my fists against the bed sheets. Somebody else in the room is screaming now too.

"FREDDIE HOLD ON. HOLD ON. SHE'S NEARLY HERE, SHE'S-"

He cuts off abruptly, swearing under his breath.

"Pomfrey!"

The relief that sears through me at the sound of her name is matched by a fresh wave of pain.

A bottle is pressed against my lips and I drink gratefully. No. I cough and splutter, pain searing through my throat.

There's a gasp, someone swears, and then a spell is muttered.

The world goes black.

* * *

><p>I'm proud to walk out of St Mungo's on my own two feet three days later. Well, I say my own two feet but most of my weight is held up by a pair of crutches. I don't have to use them all the time. Only when I need to.<p>

I'm not going to talk about the hospital because I don't want to. I'll tell you that the pain was caused by Spinal Cord Compressions, but nothing more than that. I've lost movement in the toes on my left foot, and I have to take a dose of 16mg per day of Dexamethasone to reduce edema around the lesion. No, don't worry, I don't understand a word of it either. I never really strived to understand my cancer in full medical terms. That idea scares me, to be honest. Mum and Dad have spent hours of their lives reading and researching, but that's not me. I trust the doctors to know if there's anything that can be done. I'm not going to waste the time I have left searching for a cure I know I won't find.

I'm supposed to be meeting Mum and Dad at two, and talking about what's happening next. They still want me to come home. Mum visited yesterday and told me that enough was enough. She tried to guilt me into it.

I'm not happy about this. I'm seventeen; I'm an adult. My life isn't up to them anymore.

Dad grins widely when I come into view. I don't know what happened after he got my letter, but he's changed.

"Hey, Freddie!" His cheerful wave is so out of character I'm left standing awkwardly, leaning on my crutches, smiling between him and Mum.

"Hey." I mumble, almost shyly. Why am I so shy? "S'up?"

Laughing, Dad stands up and pulls out a chair for me. I sit. We're in a typical muggle cafe, surrounded by chatting and laughing people. "How are you feeling, buddy?" He reaches out and touches my forehead. "You look great."

I know for a fact I look like shit. I raise my eyebrows. "There are mirrors in the hospital, you know."

His cheerful façade slipping only for a second, he frowns, glancing up at Mum.

She takes the hint, sliding her hand across the table to take mine. "You'll always be handsome to us."

"Please don't." My voice is cold. "I know what you want. I'm not coming home."

Mum's face falls. "We're not trying to-"

"Yes you are."

One silent tear rolls over mum's eyelid, sliding down her cheek. Dad wraps his arm around her, letting her lean across and bury her head in his shoulder, shaking as she cries.

"You don't have to come home." Dad's words are barely a whisper. It takes a few seconds before I can bring myself to believe that he could possibly have just said those words. "Fred-" he pauses, "-die. Freddie. You're our son and yes we love you. Yes if it was up to us we'd spend every last waking second you have at your side but… it's not. You're old enough to know what you want, and I know if I was you I'd want to live."

It looks like it physically pains him to say all this. Tears steam down his cheeks, but he holds my gaze. "I know there are times when I've been a shitty parent, in fact it's probably hard to find a time when I haven't been, but I'm changing that. It's your life, and we have no right to stop you from living it. Go back to Hogwarts, go see your friends, go have fun, have sex-" Mum coughs loudly at that one, but he shrugs. "He's seventeen. You think I don't remember what you and F-" He breaks off suddenly, face falling.

Oh fuck. We were doing so well.

I don't say anything. I wait to see what he'll do next.

I'm used to stuff like this happening. It happens so often. Something, usually something small, makes him think of Uncle Fred. His eyes go glassy, he mumbles something incomprehensible to excuse himself, and goes up to his and Mum's bedroom, locking the door and not emerging for hours.

This time though, he doesn't cry, he doesn't leave, he doesn't even frown. Instead, my Dad, George Weasley, the broken, shattered shell of a man left abandoned to wither and die, completely alien to a world without his brother, laughs.

He tilts his head back, staring between Mum and me, reaching out to grab hold of my hand and squeeze it gently as he guffaws, eyes crinkling up at the corners.

I don't understand. I glance up at Mum, trying to silently ask her if she has any idea what's going on. Evidently, she doesn't. But she doesn't look like she cares either. She looks at me, her expression somewhere halfway between exasperation and utter relief and to my shock, she starts giggling.

What? What the hell is happening to the world?

I'm doing it too now. One hand on my mouth, I crack up, staring at Dad and shaking my head. I don't understand. I don't understand one bit and I have no idea why I'm laughing too but this is just… I don't even know.

The three of us are utterly hysterical. Mum's head is back on Dad's shoulder, her pealing laughs earning us bewildered looks from the surrounding Muggles.

Dad stops laughing abruptly, leaning forwards and putting his hand on my shoulder. "Freddie, don't you dare let anyone take your life away from you. It's the most precious thing you have and I don't care if I change my mind in two minutes time. You go out there," he points out of the window vaguely, "and you do what you want. You laugh, you cry, you tell everyone you love just how much you love them." Standing up, he takes Mum's hand and places ten pounds of muggle money onto the table to pay for their drinks. "You deserve a life, Freddie. You deserve everything that you're not going to get and that's the worst thing in the world, but I will do everything in my power to make sure that you are going to have the time of your life while you still have one. I love you, kiddo." He smiles gently. "I hope you can forgive me for what I've done to you over the years."

Without another word, he drags Mum from the shop, only giving her time for one shouted "love you" before they're gone.

My heart pounding with utter ecstasy, I turn away from the window and stare forwards, eyeing up my pale and drawn reflection in the large decorative mirror on the other side of the restaurant. The boy opposite me has tears streaming down his cheeks and I lean forwards, trying to understand why someone who looks so happy could be crying so hard. I don't voice my question but personally I think his problem is that he's spend far too long trying to do what he thinks will please other people. He's just learnt to be selfish, and as I watch him he rises to his feet in the middle of the crowded muggle cafe, mouths 'YOLO', and turns on his heel, vanishing. When I open my eyes, he's gone, to be replaced by the so familiar outline of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I smile.

* * *

><p><strong>Hello little internet buddies, Hannah here! It's been a while, has it not? I've been quite busy doing things. Holidaying (fun), eating (fun), coming out to my parents (not so fun), but yeah, life's been happening and I haven't had quite as much time as I'd have liked over the last week or so. Anyway, there's an update here now.<br>Okay, so yeah, I realise this chapter is a lot shorter than is normal for me. I try to aim for about 4000 words, and this is only 1800, or something like that. The only reason is that I just like this point as a place to end the chapter. It feels like it needs something longer than another liney thing. Does that make sense? I hope nobody minds. I've also gone back and separated out the prologue and the first chapter, just for readability (I don't think that's a word...).  
>Regarding this chapter, I think I'm quite happy with it (which is rare coming from me). Maybe it's just the fact that it's 2:17am. Anyway, this chapter actually deviates from my plan completely, which I expected to happen at some point, so no worries. As far as his disease actually goes, I did some research, read some symptoms, started getting paranoid about my own health and then closed the tab. I've had my hypochondria stage and I have no wish to have it come back. As much as Freddie's disease is central to the story, and I know I should work hard to make sure that all my facts are right, and I might get yelled at for this, but the specifics of the cancer are not that important. This is a story about how Freddie deals with his disease, and how he interacts with his family, and how George is coping, so unless you have to be pedantic, give me some room for poetic licence? Of course if there's someone who can give me more information in a way that I understand (biology language = -_-), and knows about this stuff, that would b absolutely fantastic if you could message me and help me, because I would love to be able to make my story as accurate as possible, but apart from that, I hope nobody minds too much :)<br>Now the one other worry I have about the chapter is George. I've been told about this problem in a review for one of my other stories, so I know that I can have trouble keeping George in character. Now on the one hand, yes, this is a problem, and i strive to keep things as canon as possible. On the other, George is going to be very, very different from how he was in the books. He's older, has a lot more life experience, is used to life without Fred, and what with Freddie, he's not going t be George exactly as you know him from the books. He's damaged. And that's something I have to take into account.  
>Jesus, that made me sound quite smart we can't let that happen.<br>Anyway, as it's now 2:43am (I stopped writing for half an hour because tumblr) I think I'm going to have to go to bed. I say this at the end of every chapter but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW. Not only does it make me really, really happy, it helps me to improve my writing and that's the whole point of everything, isn't it?  
>Holy crap I've gone and written a chapter commentary that's longer than the actual thing :  
>Anyway (again), one million hugs to anyone who reviews or favourites, or generally just for reading this far in the first place. It might just seem like one more fanfic to you, but it really does mean a lot to me, so thank you.<br>Happy new year to everyone, and I just hope you have a really good one.  
>Thank you,<br>Hannah :)**

**P.S. I almost forgot. I made a new cover thingy. It's a bit... I'm not really sure about it, and Bluey Robinson's head's been squished so it's too long, and you can't see the 'T' in 'Turned to Dust' but ah well. Thoughts?**


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